


Embrace the Fire

by YaoiLuvr4Lyfe



Series: Thirteen [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, M/M, Multi, OT12 - Freeform, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-16 19:41:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9287021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YaoiLuvr4Lyfe/pseuds/YaoiLuvr4Lyfe
Summary: Loran may have gotten his brothers, but everything is not perfect just yet. With the news of his father's plane crash, and this new, sparking relationship, which he's had no experience with, threatens to send him overboard one more time. Rub in a delinquent cousin and Lover Boy Alexander, Loran might just be facing another horrible year that's going to end in tears and, quite possibly, blood.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome all to the second instalment of this series, 'Embrace the Fire'! Updates will be a little spread apart, but I'm hoping to complete it before the end of the year - my aim is to actually finish it before June, but I'm not sure if I will succeed.

**Loran -**

My world collapsed around me the same way it did at ten, when I witnessed Mum’s death. My heart stopped, my chest tightened, my fingers curled, nails digging into my palms, drawing blood. My tongue, too big for my mouth, constricted my breathing, my arms and legs turned to jelly and I-- I--

“Shh,” Addison’s trembling lips touched my forehead, “shh, Loran, it’s-- it’s-- shh.”

I shook my head, leaning heavy against his chest. Addison pressed the landline to his ear, and I could hear the hold chime as he drew his other hand through my hair, trying to soothe me, unsuccessfully. My mind raced as I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing the last couple of tears from my eyes. My shoulders shook as I contained the eruption inside me, desperate to explode, to _scream_.

Past Addison’s shoulder I caught sight of a couple of my other brothers through the living room door. The curtains were drawn, the television shut off, and Ike sat lifelessly on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. The rise and fall of his chest was the only sign he still breathed. Beside him, gripping one of Ike’s hands tightly, sat Jackson, his cheeks pale and his eyes wide. Both of his hands squeezed Ike’s, but Ike didn’t seem to mind. Or maybe he couldn’t feel it. But seeing Jackson so still made me nauseous.

On the floor in front of Ike and Jackson, sat Hunter, with his legs crossed and Kerrick on his lap. Hunter’s arms wrapped tight around Kerrick, holding him hard against his chest as he whispered in his ear. Kerrick didn’t appear to be listening, but Hunter continued to murmur, rocking them both slowly. Kerrick’s eyes slid shut and his lips parted as he inhaled slowly, calmingly. He repeated the breathing exercise, but it was obviously doing nothing.

Daiton stood at the closed curtains, a hand pressed to his mouth. Chester attempted comforting him, but Daiton shrugged him off and walked away, into the hallway and out of sight. Chester sighed, running a hand down his face as he turned and sank onto the couch arm. He leaned forward, cupping his mouth in his palm, sliding his eyes shut. A classic Chester look, giving the illusion nothing was wrong.

But everything was wrong.

Behind me I knew Graden sat at the dining table, alone. A blanket draped around his shoulders, offering the only comfort he would accept. Outside on the back patio stood Freyne and Elliott. Freyne walked out at the first mention of the… of the phone-call. Elliott was quick to follow. Berling stood at the kitchen bench, his eyes red-rimmed like Addison’s, but they’d not cried, not yet. Berling set up the laptop almost instantly, but I didn’t know what he was doing on there. Didn’t really care.

“Ah, hello,” Addison finally spoke into the phone when somebody picked up. My entire body tensed as Addison clicked over my shoulder at Berling. I slowly lifted my arms to wrap around his midsection, but then Berling’s arms were around me, pulling me away. The eruption inside me began to bubble aggressively and I attempted to pull away from Berling, but Addison stepped away from me, talking quickly on the phone in his thick, anxious voice. “My name is Addison Prince, calling about a passenger on…” Addison rattled off all the details he knew and walked around to the dining table, taking a seat opposite Graden.

I fought Berling’s hold on me, the feeling seeping back into my body and suddenly I was angry. Angry at Bill, for getting on a plane destined for crashing, at Addison, for pushing me away, at Berling, for pulling me away. Fury coiled in my stomach and my eyebrows drew together as I spun around, launching myself at Berling.

I didn’t know my intention, just that I needed to hit out. Berling caught my wrists tightly, pulling me hard against his chest before he wrapped his arms crushingly tight around me. I struggled at the feeling of being confined and tried to draw back, but Berling’s arms tightened, locking me into place.

“G-get off me!” I snapped, pressing my palms to his chest, pushing desperately to get away. I didn’t want to be _held_. I just wanted to-- to-- a single sob forced its way up my throat but then it disappeared, replaced by a flood of tears.

“Loran, it’s going to be fine.” Berling pressed, his tone assuring. It went straight over my head, though, and I inhaled sharply, shaking my head. It’s not going to be fine. It’s not. I’m… I’m not eighteen yet. What will happen if Bill is _gone_ , I’m-- I’m-- He can’t be _dead_.

“He… It’s all right, baby. It’s going to be all right.”

Except those words were empty because it wasn’t going to be all right. It couldn’t possibly be all right.

Berling began walking toward the living room, pushing me along with him. I gasped, shaking in his grip as we entered the dark room, and then he drew me across to the love seat, dropping down and pulling me onto his lap. I gasped softly, lifting my arms to wrap tight around his neck, pressing my face to his neck. Berling didn’t object to me crying and letting loose snot fly all over him, he didn’t object to my nails biting into his shoulders as I clung, or my weight as I bore down on him. His large arms wrapped tight around my waist and he held me back tightly.

“It will be fine. It will be absolutely fine.” Berling whispered into my ear, his words going over and over, a broken, scratchy record.

Behind me I could hear soft whispering, too quiet to make out, but I knew the tone of Hunter’s voice, and then Jackson murmured something, his voice thick and wet. Chester murmured something back, his tone reassuring, but I could hear the stress, the tension. Nothing would be ‘okay,’ or ‘fine.’ Everything was bad. Wrong. _Ruined_.

What if Bill was dead? What would happen to me? Would the court allow me to live with my brothers? Or would they force me into a home for the last year of my childhood? Who would willingly let a boy move into a house crowded with men, even if they _were_ my brothers?

My cries gradually subsided into short, sharp sniffles, and my fingers unclenched from around Berling’s shoulders, beginning to tremble as I pressed them flat to Berling’s back. I breathed slowly, desperately trying to calm my racing heart. It took a long time, but with Berling’s arms around me and the overwhelming sense of safety, I fell into a fitful daze, relaxing my eyelids, exhausted.

 What felt like years later, Addison’s voice filtered through the room, but I was too bone-tired to move. Berling’s fingers caressed my hair, and he touched his lips to my forehead gently, running his hand down my spine and back up again.

“Is he asleep?” Addison murmured, sinking onto the love-seat beside Berling, making Berling and myself shift.

“Hmm?” Berling hummed, and then he nodded against me. “I think so.”

Calloused fingers brushed my jaw, and I knew it was Addison. He drew a finger along my cheek and then withdrew.

“Gray, hey, come here.” Addison called, and there was a shuffle of feet before the love seat sank a little more, and more hands were running up my spine. I shivered, shifting in Berling’s hold, but I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes.

“What… What’s the news, Addi?” Ike whispered, his voice barely audible across the room. Addison inhaled slowly, and I could feel another wave of tears rising, but desperately urged them back.

“I don’t…” Addison sighed, heavily. “Just remember we all have each other, okay?”

“So he’s dead?” Someone choked out, their voice indistinguishable past the soft gasps and choked, dry sobs.

“Hush,” Addison murmured, “take a seat. Chester, could you please call Freyne and Elliott inside? This is something everybody needs to hear, and I don’t want to repeat it.”

“Addison if he’s dead just say it. _Tell_ us.” That was Ike, trying to keep his voice steady. “I-- We’re all fully grown men, we can cope.”

“I don’t underestimate your ability to cope, Ike.” Addison assured. “I do underestimate Loran’s, though.”

My brow creased and it took all my will power to not move, to keep myself limp against Berling’s chest. I couldn’t… I couldn’t disagree with him, but to hear him say it, to hear the words spoken aloud, made it feel real, and I remember Mum’s funeral, the mess I was.

But I’m not a little boy anymore.

“So dad’s dead, then?” Ike snapped, and when Addison didn’t respond he drew in a shaky breath. After a minute of silence, soft voices entered the room, indicating Chester’s return with Elliott and Freyne.

“We’re all here now,” Berling spoke quietly, his chest rumbling. “Tell us.”

Addison took a deep breath, and I prepared myself for the worst. “Dad’s plane crashed in the shoreline of New Zealand. Reasons as to why the plane crashed are unknown right now, but only a handful of people survived and it was by pure luck. Dad… dad was one of those survivors.”

There was a collective sigh of relief, and a couple more sobs. My own chest tightened even more and I thought for a second I would choke, but nothing happened. A sense of relief washed over me, though, showering me, and my lower lip slipped between my teeth.

“But,” Addison continued, and the entire atmosphere grew tense, “but he’s been injured. Badly. He’s in surgery as we speak and they’re worried he will slip into a coma.”

“A coma?” Jackson choked. “A--”

“Yes,” Addison whispered. “But he’s _alive_ , Jackie.”

“But--”

“A coma is dead with a heartbeat.”

“Surgery, you said--?!”

“Addison, what are we--”

“Guys,” Addison cut them off, his voice firm for a second. “He’s going to be fine. _We_ are going to be fine. I promise you.”

“That’s just not something you can promise, Addison.”

***

Nobody wanted to eat dinner. Nobody wanted to talk. Nobody wanted to sit with anybody.

I sat alone on my bed upstairs, running my fingers along the quilt as everybody else prepared for bed. Nobody wanted to sleep together. I’d heard a brief discussion between Graden and Elliott, Graden adamant to sleep on the couch, and Elliott trying to convince him otherwise, until Chester murmured his agreement and said he would sleep in one of the spare rooms. It then happened quickly, with Addison agreeing to it, his voice distant, and Berling packing up a couple of blankets to give to Graden.

Elliott still didn’t appear to happy about it, but he’d agreed to sleeping in the big bed with Daiton and Freyne, while the quads went to their own room and Addison and Berling joined Chester upstairs.

I sat patiently on my bed, not sure if anybody was going to come up to check on me. I didn’t know if I would be upset if they didn’t, or upset if they did. I just felt very… lost. While Bill and I… fought, I still loved him. I couldn’t… I couldn’t _lose_ him.

A knock on my door made me snap my head up, and Graden poked his head inside, a small smile on his lips.

“Hey, Lorie. Can I come in?”

I nodded, shifting back along the bed as Graden stepped inside and closed the door behind him gently. He sat down on the bed in front of me, drawing one knee beneath him, and then he tucked a stray piece of hair behind his ear, looking down at the quilt.

“Listen,” he finally breathed, “I love you, and I want to just remind you that… no matter what happens, we’re still here, all right?”

I swallowed thickly, giving a curt nod. Graden smiled a little wider, his eyes flickering to meet mine, and then he reached a hand out, touching my wrist.

“I know this is probably a really difficult time. It’s difficult for all of us but I know you might be taking it hardest and… and it might be difficult to talk to us, but I… I want you to know that you can come to me about anything, all right? I’m not going to share whatever you tell me with anybody unless you give me explicit permission, all right?”

I blinked in shock, but hastily nodded. Graden also nodded, relief washing over his face. He stood up, keeping his hand on me for as long as possible until he was forced to pull away and leave. I stayed looking at the door as he disappeared.

Once he was gone I shifted under the blankets and leaned over, switching my bedside light off. I laid there in the dark, staring up at the ceiling which was illuminated by the moonlight, and I didn’t sleep.


	2. Chapter Two

**Loran -**

The clock on my bedside table blinked to 3:38am when I finally pushed the blankets off me. I sat up slowly, drawing my knees to my chest as I looked around the dark bedroom. The moon continued to provide some light, but hardly enough to see clearly. If anything, it made my room darker, scarier. Shadows leered down at me, and it took everything I had to not hide back under my blankets.

I sighed, pressing my lips to my arms for a second. All my tears had dried out, and I was left feeling empty. I didn’t know what I wanted, or needed right now. But it wasn’t isolation.

I slid from my bed, walking to the door and quietly pulling it open. It creaked softly, and I cringed, but the wider it swung the quieter it became. I slipped out, feeling my way around to the closed door of the spare bedroom. I held my breath as I grasped the doorhandle, twisting it.

 _This is a really bad idea_ , I thought, stopping myself. They want to be alone right now. Don’t go to them because you don’t want to be, that’s selfish. I bit my lip, slipping my hand from the doorhandle.  

 _No, fuck that._ You _need comfort. Go to them._ I reached for the handle again.

 _No_. My fingers dropped and tears sprung in my eyes.

Swallowing thickly, I turned the doorhandle and pushed, holding my breath as I entered the pitch-black room. I stopped in the doorway, squinting to adjust my eyes to the darkness. I could barely make out the three figures on the bed, they were so close together. I stepped further into the room, walking around the bed and staring down at the closest person.

Chester laid tucked up against Berling’s side, one of Berling’s arms wrapped tight around him. Chester’s face was soft, relaxed, and his light brown hair was unkempt. I’d never seen him so lax, with his line of work in the hospital he continuously ran around. He and Graden, both, Chester a surgeon and Graden a nurse. They loved helping people, but did people ever help them? Was I helping him by being here? By waking him up?

 _No_.

I pulled away, heading back to the doorway when a soft noise from the bed caught my attention. I turned around and stepped backward into the shadows behind the door. Addison, on Berling’s other side, stirred. I held my breath as he shifted, lifting his head and looking about the room. Beside him, Berling groaned softly, blinking his eyes open.

“Addi?”

Addison didn’t say anything, and Berling turned his head. Addison turned his head away, looking out the window, where the blinds were drawn back. You could see the lake through the trees, and the bottom of the moon shone through. Berling huffed quietly, retracting his arm from around Chester so he could turn fully, catching Addison’s hand.

“Hey, stop thinking.”

Addison made a noise at the back of his throat, and turned his head to stare at Berling. The moonlight reflected all the emotion in him, making his eyes sparkle. Berling saw it, too, and he leaned forward, catching Addison’s lips in a tender kiss. My heart stopped, catching in my chest. I’d never seen Berling so _soft_. Addison let Berling kiss him for a couple of seconds before drawing away and turning his head toward the door. I hastily stepped further back. Addison frowned.

“I swear I closed that.”

Berling shrugged, touching his hand to Addison’s cheek and forcing his attention back to him. He leaned up, kissing Addison again. Addison shook his head, rolling away and hooking his legs over the side of the bed. Berling growled under his bed and slipped from the blankets, following him as Addison stood up.

“I’m just going to check on Loran.” He walked past the window and Berling shook his head, following him and catching his wrist, stopping him. I bit the inside of my cheek, my eyes momentarily dropping to take in their shirtless states, in nothing but boxers. I swallowed thickly, returning my attention to them wholly as Berling turned Addison bodily towards him. Addison’s head was dropped, but Berling didn’t seem to mind as he pressed their foreheads together and touched both his hands to Addison’s waist, drawing him closer.

“Loran’s fine. Chester probably forgot to close the door on his way back from the bathroom. Come back to bed.”

Addison stayed silent for a long moment, which was rare for him-- at least what I knew of him. “I’m just going to check on him, and the quads, and maybe Graden--”

“No,” Berling shook his head, cupping Addison’s face, “you’re going to fret, and then you’re going to be awake all night. Get some sleep, and then we can all deal with it in the morning.” As he spoke, Berling backed Addison up against the wall, latching his mouth onto Addison’s. Addison attempted to turn away, pressing his hands to Berling’s shoulders, but Berling pushed his hands away and gripped his wrists pinning them to the wall. It was a power play that shocked me to the core.

Addison and Berling, together. While I always assumed it happened, imagining _how_ it happened was foreign. And now--

“We aren’t doing this,” Addison murmured, finally turning his head away, Berling shook his head, latching to Addison’s throat. “Berling--”

“Stop.” Berling growled, grinding his hips against Addison’s. “Addison, it’s not _your_ job to keep this family together. We carry that. We _all_ carry that.”

Addison kept his mouth shut as Berling finally pulled away, taking his hand and drawing him back to the bed. Berling sat on the edge of the bed, but Addison stood in front of him. They stared at each other, intently, and Addison dropped his hands to Berling’s head, sliding his fingers through the unruly mess. Berling continued to stare up at him, and the moment was too intimate for me to be here, but I couldn’t slip away without them noticing me.

Finally, Addison sat down next to Berling, and rested his head on Berling’s shoulder. Berling’s arm went around his waist, and the two of them leant against each other as they looked out the window. I held my breath as I slowly stepped out from the shadows, keeping my eyes locked on them as I slipped out of the bedroom.

Once I was out of sight and I slowly made my way downstairs. The quads bedroom door was wide open, and I stuck my head inside to see Hunter sitting up against the headboard with Jackson against his chest. They were both asleep, evident by the slow rise and fall of their chests. On the other bed, snuggled together, were Ike and Kerrick, faces tucked up close to each other.

I moved to the next open door, where Freyne slept between Daiton and Elliott. All three were close together, Freyne facing Elliott, arms wrapped tight around Elliott’s waist, and Elliott’s arms tucked comfortingly around Freyne’s shoulders. Daiton spooned Freyne, his own arms around Freyne’s waist. A soft smile touched my lips and I pushed away, slipping into the kitchen, intent to get a glass of water. The door between the kitchen and living area was open, and the lamp in the living room was flicked on, illuminating into the kitchen.

Frowning, I glanced into the room, to see Graden sitting up, one knee drawn to his chest as he leaned against the armrest, reading. His brow was furrowed, and he looked distressed, with clear tear tracks on his cheeks. He hadn’t noticed me yet, and I opened my mouth to call to him-- but what would I say? What _could_ I say? I distinctly remembered what he told me last night, that I could go to him, but he was hurting too. I couldn’t ladle my own hurt onto him.

My thoughts were cut off by the tell-tale sign of somebody walking down the hallway, and, without really thinking, I ducked behind the kitchen counter, crawling between the counter and the chairs and then sitting up and peering back. Berling strolled into the kitchen and did a double take when he caught sight of Graden sitting up. He walked to the doorway, and leaned against the doorframe. I could barely make out Graden, still sitting on the couch. He hadn’t noticed Berling. Berling cleared his throat, loudly, and Graden jolted, snapping his head up. When he saw Berling, he raised an eyebrow.

“Morning.”

Berling shook his head. “Barely.”

The two of them didn’t say anything more, and Graden returned to his novel. Berling cleared his throat again, and Graden lifted his head slowly.

“Did you want something?”

“Yes.” Berling didn’t elaborate, though, and Graden shrugged, shifting to cross his legs on the couch and continue reading. Berling exhaled sharply and he crossed the room, snatching the book up from Graden’s lap. Graden scowled, reaching to take it back, but Berling closed the book and hid it behind his back.

“What?” Graden snapped, leaning back against the couch, crossing his arms angrily. “What do you want?”

Berling shook his head. “Have you been sitting up all night?” At Graden’s silence, he cursed, loud. “Graden, go to bed. I’ll drag you upstairs if I have to.”

Graden rolled his eyes, standing up and brushing past Berling. I drew back as he walked into the kitchen, snapping one of the lights on. Berling followed, placing the book on the shelf in the living room. Graden turned the tap on, and the sound of glass clicking on the counter clued me into what he was doing. Berling stood at the edge of the counter.

“Don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what?” Graden muttered, and his footsteps sounded as he walked into view, taking a seat at the dining table with his back to me. Berling followed, pulling the seat out next to him and dropping into it.

“ _This_.” Berling snapped. “Every time shit gets hard you pull away. Don’t do it this time.”

“I do not.”

“You do, Graden.” Berling shook his head. “Please don’t do it this time. If you need to see somebody, see somebody. Need to talk? Any of us will listen. Just do not do this. _Please_.”

“I don’t have a control on my emotions like you, Berling,” Graden grumbled. “I can’t just tell myself not to feel something and it goes away. It goes away when it wants to, or it comes back fully. I can’t _stop_ it.”

“So see somebody.”

Graden shook his head roughly. “No, they only want to pump me full of pills. I don’t _want_ that. Everyone labels it as depression, but it’s not Berling. I know what depression feels like and this _isn’t_ it.”

“So talk to us.”

Graden didn’t say anything, but then he stood up and walked back to the sink. He still didn’t say anything, and Berling didn’t move from his position at the table. It was an intense silence, that shook me. I’d never seen any of my brothers like this.

Graden finally released a harsh breath, “just let me deal with it on my own.”

He then turned and disappeared through the kitchen door. A second later the bathroom door slammed shut, and Berling sighed. He dropped his head into his palms and exhaled loudly. I kept myself still as he contemplated his next move. He then picked himself up and flicked the lights off, heading back upstairs.

I waited a minute before following slowly. I walked past the bathroom, intending to ignore the light creeping underneath it, and quiet sniffles. If Berling couldn’t help, I couldn’t help. That was fact. But… it was hard to walk by when Graden was obviously upset. Chewing my lower lip, I walked back and rapped my knuckles quietly on the door.

“Fuck _off_ , Berling.” Graden snapped. I held my breath for a second.

“Actually, it’s Loran,” I called softly. There was a long pause before the door creaked open and Graden, red eyed and pale faced, peered down at me.

“Oh, hey.” He attempted to smile, but it fell flat. My smile was more real. “Are you all right?”

 _I should be asking you_. I nodded, but wasn’t sure what to say, so I stood there a little awkwardly. Graden stared at me for a long moment before stepping away and opening the door wider.

“Did you need to use the toilet?”

I nod and step inside. It wasn’t a complete lie, there was definitely pressure against my bladder that needed to be dealt with. Graden chewed his lower lip as I moved past him, and he glanced into the dark hallway.

“I guess I’ll get out of here--”

“You can stay,” I whispered, even though normally I would ask him – and any of my brothers – to leave. Graden seemed grateful, though, as he smiled a little stronger and dropped onto the edge of the bathtub as I dealt with myself.

“Did you, uh, hear Berling and I?” He asked after a moment of silence. I blinked, zipping myself up and turning to the basin.

“Berling was up?”

Graden chuckled softly, almost in relief it seemed, and I was a little hurt by that. Didn’t he want me to know that something was wrong? That there was something obviously going on with him?

“Yeah, uh,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “I take it you can’t sleep, either?”

I shook my head, drying my hands as I turned bodily to him. Graden nodded along with me, and then placed his hand on the bathtub beside himself, an invitation. I put the hand towel back and sat down beside him, our thighs gently brushing together.

“Do you think…” I trailed off and ducked my head. I had so many questions on the tip of my tongue, but thinking of the best one to ask right now was torturous. Graden knocked our shoulders together, both comforting and encouraging anything I wanted to say. “Do you think Bill will be all right?”

Graden’s eyebrows jumped for a second, but then he shrugged, his face falling. “I-- God, I hope so. I mean, Lorie, he’s in a coma and… and in my line of work I’ve seen a lot of people come out of coma’s, and also slip away in them and I can’t--” Graden shook his head hurriedly and pressed his palms to his eyes. A lump formed in my throat as I watched him fight with himself, with his thoughts. I wanted to sob, too, but in this instance, right now _I_ needed to be the stronger brother.

I didn’t say anything, only pressed my cheek to Graden’s shoulder and wrapped my arms tightly around one of his. It seemed to be enough, because Graden inhaled a shuddering breath and then pressed his lips to my forehead.

***

“Hey,” someone’s voice called, muffled and disturbing my sleep. I cringed away from the noise, twisting against the softness beneath me, the warmth. I squeezed my eyes shut as I wrapped my arms tightly around whoever was beneath me.

“Hey,” they repeated, and now there was a hand on my arm, “Lorie, Gray, wake up.”

“Go away,” I mumbled, burying my face into the person beneath me. “Trying to sleep.”

“I know,” the voice continued, “but how about sleeping in an actual bed? And not a bathtub?”

“Am in a bed.” How else could something be so comfortable. There was a slight chuckle, and whoever was beneath me vibrated. I blearily blinked my eyes open, squeezing them shut at the blindingly white light. I hissed, and a hand cupped the back of my head, fingers massaging my scalp.

“Actually, Lorie,” someone else whispered, “we are in the bathtub.”

I sighed, blinking my eyes open, past the blinding light. I glared at the white bathtub and then looked down to see Graden smiling up at me. He looked a good deal better than earlier, but there were still huge bags under his eyes and he definitely needed to sleep some more.

“Let me take you to the bedroom where you can both sleep longer and be a lot more comfortable.” I frowned at the voice and glanced over my shoulder tiredly to see Chester kneeling beside the bathtub, his hair ruffled and he looked like he’s only just woken up.

“What’s the time?” Graden murmured, slowly sitting up with me still draped atop him. He cringed a little as he shifted, the hard bathtub probably not having been a very comfortable place to sleep. Chester’s lips twitched as he leaned forward, brushing hair from Graden’s face, and then from mine, too.

“It’s about six thirty, everyone else is still in bed.” He stood up slowly and took my arm. I begrudgingly followed him, letting him help me from the bath. I sank to the floor once I was out, sleep still desperate to take over. I was absolutely exhausted. Chester reached for Graden next, helping him from the bathtub and then Graden dropped onto the edge, yawning.

“Come on,” Chester dropped down and hooked his arms beneath my knees and back, and then he lifted me. An argument was on the tip of my tongue, but I fought it down as I leaned against him and almost fell asleep as he carried me and led Graden up the stairs to the spare bedroom.

Graden didn’t look too pleased about going to the same bed with Addison and Berling, but he didn’t object as Chester placed me down next to Berling, and Graden crawled in next to me. It was very warm beneath the blankets, very comfortable, and I drifted almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

***

When I woke up again, it was to Graden’s arms tucked nicely around me, and our heads on the same pillow. Nobody else was in the bed, but the blankets were tucked snugly around us, and the clock on the bedside table read 11:56.

I blinked a couple of times, fully waking up. Graden stirred beside me, and he slowly opened his eyes, catching mine and freezing for a second, before releasing the most brilliant smile.

“Good morning.”

“It’s nearly good afternoon,” I whispered, pressing closer to him. Graden’s eyebrows jumped at that, and he glanced over his shoulder at the clock. He laughed almost humourlessly.

“I haven’t had a sleep in that long since I was living at home,” he murmured, and then returned his attention to me, dropping his head against the pillow. “I’m still tired.”

I nodded, “you could probably stay in bed a little longer.”

Graden shook his head. “No, I need to get up. I’ve slept too long.”

He pushed the blankets off our bodies, and rolled into a sitting position. I slowly sat up, blinking heavily, seeing the curtains were closed now, keeping the sun out. Graden hunched over and rubbed his eyes slowly. I crawled along the bed and stood up, stretching my arms above my head. I hadn’t slept that well in a long time.

Behind me, Graden stood up and stretched, too, and then he came up behind me and lead me from the bedroom. I went down the stairs ahead of him, but he caught my wrist before I entered the kitchen. I stopped and looked up at him. He offered me a genuine smile and kissed my forehead.

“Thank you.” He whispered and then walked into the kitchen. I stood there for a moment, thinking about why he thanked me, before following.


	3. Chapter Three

**Loran -**

Everybody was in the kitchen, but nobody was speaking, and as I stepped in everything from the past twenty-four hit me. Everything about Bill. Everything between Addison and Berling. Everything between Berling and Graden. Everything about _Bill_.

A tsunami of emotions smacked me in the chest and I took a staggering step back as Kerrick rose from his seat, walking around the counter towards me. Graden brushed past him without saying anything and gracefully accepted the plate Chester pushed toward him. Graden sat himself own and picked up the sandwich, keeping his head ducked to avoid eye contact. I caught the look passed between Addison and Berling, but nobody commented.

Kerrick, finally stepped up to me, smiled softly and cupped my cheek in his palm. I blinked up at him, resting my hand atop his. Kerrick brushed his lips against my forehead and then dropped his hand to mine, pulling me with him to the table. I automatically began walking to my own seat, my heart beginning to pound as I thought of everything we would need to discuss today, but Kerrick sat down and then pulled me gently onto his lap. I gasped in shock, but didn’t pull away as I leaned back against him and his arms hooked protectively around my waist.

“Now that everybody is awake,” Addison began, his voice firm the way I remembered it, not soft and desperate as it was last night, “we need to discuss our next course of action.”

Daiton, leaning forward with clasped hands, shook his head. “Don’t treat this like a mission, Addison. This is our father we’re talking about. And what is there to discuss? He needs us. We need to go to him. Today.”

Addison opened his mouth, his steely blue eyes on Daiton, but Berling shook his head, cutting anything he wanted to say off. Berling pinned his own eyes on Daiton and took a deep breath before sweeping them across all of us.

“It’s not that simple. We can’t just up and leave, we need to buy plane tickets, we need passports, _visa’s_.” Berling sighed heavily. “I wish we _could_ just catch the next flight out of here, Daiton, but we can’t.”

Daiton didn’t say anything more, but he grumbled under his breath and crossed his arms over his chest. He turned his head, sharing a look with Elliott, who sat extremely close to Freyne, who didn’t look like he wanted to be here at all. Looking around, I noticed Hunter, Ike and Jackson looking the same way, and I could bet Kerrick had a similar facial expression behind me.

Graden, still eating his sandwich, kept his face ducked, and I turned to eye the sandwich in front of me. I wasn’t particularly hungry, but it would bring a nice distraction from the tension around me, and maybe even divert anybody’s attention away from me.

Slowly, I reached for the sandwich and lifted one triangular half to my mouth, munching slowly. I closed my eyes in bliss for a second at the sweet, tangy taste of pickles and ham. My favourite.

Upon opening them again I was met with the still stony silence of earlier, and I desperately wanted my brothers to stop. To stop the uncertainty, the tension. I needed them to tell me what was going to happen, what we would be doing from here on in. I needed them to guide me because I was lost and confused and I hated it.

“I’ll get onto passports right now, then,” Elliott said and he stood up. Freyne tilted his head back as Elliott disappeared into the hallway. I finished the first half of my sandwich and reached for the other half as Hunter stood up, too. He walked around to the counter and grabbed a glass out, filling it with water and drinking it one massive gulp. He refilled it and downed it again.

“I’ll help Elliott,” Freyne murmured, and slowly picked himself up, heading out into the hallway. Addison sighed, heavily, but he gave a curt nod and stood up, too.

“All right, let’s all collect some photos and I’ll send them through.” He ushered everybody up and I finished off the last of my sandwich as Kerrick stood up, forcing me onto my feet. Berling collected the camera from one of the drawers and then set up in front of the white wall.

“When will these be done by?” Ike queried as he straightened his shirt and wiped at his red-rimmed eyes. Addison hesitated for a moment as he straightened his own shirt out. He then reached and clasped Ike’s shoulder, forcing the younger to look at him.

“Normally three weeks,” Addison murmured, and Ike inhaled sharply, pulling back. Addison hastily shook his head, gripping Ike’s shoulders tighter. “But I’m going to do all I can to have them done earlier. It _is_ possible.”

Ike bit his lip, nodding slowly. “All right… So, maybe soon?”

Addison’s lips pulled into a tight smile as he gave a curt nod. “As soon as possible.”

Ike blinked rapidly a couple of times and attempted a smile. It wobbled dangerously, and his face dropped. He averted his gaze for a second before giving a curt nod and pushing himself up. He hastily left the room, and the Quad’s bedroom door opened and slammed a second later. My heart cracked in my chest, my muscles tingling as I lifted my gaze to Addison, who stared after Ike, his icy blue eyes a much softer blue. A sadder tone. He caught my eye and his lips twitched.

A pathetic smile. He touched his hand to my shoulder and kissed my cheek. He then walked around to Graden, kissing his cheek, too. Graden’s cheeks burned auburn at the attention, but Addison didn’t linger. He shifted toward Berling, helping him set up the tripod.

At the kitchen bench, Hunter set his glass down and turned, disappearing into the hallway and then the Quad’s bedroom. For that I was relieved. Knowing somebody was with Ike. Knowing somebody was with everybody. Elliott and Freyne were together, Ike and Hunter. Everybody else sat here. Together. Which was what we needed. To be together.

“All right.” Addison settled his hands-on Jackson’s shoulders, squeezing. “Jackie, do you want to go first?”

Jackson’s eye lids fluttered as he stood up. Chester stood up, too, taking Jackson’s hand in his as he walked to the wall, standing in front of the camera. Chester stood next to him, but out of the camera’s range. Berling snapped the first picture, and a couple more for good measure.

Jackson returned to his seat when Chester had his photo taken. Once finished, Chester walked around to the kitchen bench and filled the kettle. He pulled down twelve mugs and filled each one with decaf tea and put a pot of milk on the stove. I sighed internally as I finished my sandwich and Graden, standing up with his own plate, collected mine. He dumped them in the sink and then walked around to where Addison beckoned him, moving to stand in front of the camera.

Once the pictures were snapped, Graden moved to leave, but Addison grabbed his hand and stepped in front of the camera for his own photo. Berling snapped it quickly and then swapped places with Addison. Addison kept a tight hold on Graden’s hand, and Graden didn’t appear to fight it as he stepped closer to Addison’s body. Addison dropped his arm around Graden’s shoulder, keeping him close as he took a photo of Berling.

Berling took position behind the camera again as Daiton went for his photo, and Addison sat down at the table, pulling Graden onto his lap. Graden fought the hold for a second, but Addison wrapped his arms tight around Graden’s waist, keeping him in place. The kettle whistled, drawing my attention. Chester filled each cup as Elliott and Freyne entered the kitchen again. They had their photos snapped as Chester handed out warm, weak, milky tea to everybody.

Kerrick reached around me to draw his own cup to his lips, taking a long sip before Berling called the two of us over. I bit my lip hard as Kerrick stood up, taking me with him. Our fingers entwined as he drew me to the wall, standing for his photo and then swapping with me. Not once did our fingers slip from each other.

As I stared into the dark lens, I thought of why we needed to do this. To see Bill. To see the man who raised us. Raised _them_. I squeezed my eyes shut at the intrusive thought. He could be dead. He could die by the time we arrive. The flash went off, and I blinked my eyes open in shock.

Berling rested his chin on the top of the camera, his face soft but his eyebrow raised. “Lorie, I need your eyes open.”

I blinked a couple of times, managing a nod. Berling’s lips twitched slightly as he went back behind the camera. I stared hard at the lens, thankful we weren’t supposed to smile. Because I couldn’t if I tried.

“All right,” Berling, or maybe Kerrick, said and I was pulled away, back to the table. Kerrick didn’t sit down with me, he instead left the kitchen. I told myself it didn’t bother me. Except it did. I needed his warmth and comfort. I stared down at the tea in front of me, wrapping my arms around it tightly and drawing it closer.

A pool of light brown, representing exactly how I felt. Weak. Lifeless. Lost. But I was always lost. Couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t been. I’d been lost when mum died. I’d been confused about where I belonged for so long, and finally, finally I found a place with my brothers. And the world threw everything back in my face. I was a mistake. But I thought I was only a mistake in this family. Maybe it was more than that, maybe my existence--

 _Stop it. This isn’t about you. You need to be strong. You’re good at hiding how you feel. You’ve had practice. You need to do it again. Suck it up._ I sucked in a sharp breath, blinking heavily as I forced my mind to clear. No _more thoughts about Bill. No more thoughts about how upset I am. I need to be strong._

“That’s everybody,” Berling noted as Hunter stepped away from the camera. I blinked. When did Hunter come back? He stood with Ike and Kerrick at the camera. Berling unclipped the camera from the tripod and set it down next to Daiton with his laptop.

“All right.” Elliott stood up, carrying his tea to the kitchen bench. Freyne followed. “Freyne and I will go into the travel agent.” He pulled down a travel mug from the top cupboard, and then another for Freyne. They both tipped their tea inside, and Elliott picked his up and took Freyne’s hand tightly. “We shouldn’t be too long.”

It all blurred in and out after that. I sat there, next to Addison and Graden, my hands bringing the tea to my lips every couple of minutes for a small sip. It went cold after a bit, but I kept my small sips consistent. People moved around me. But I barely noticed. Someone touched my shoulder, and I lifted my face, I murmured and affirmative to some question that didn’t quite register, and then they left. Someone else dropped a kiss on my forehead. Brief, but comforting.

But I didn’t need to be comforted. They did. Bill and I were never close enough. I didn’t have the right to be as deeply bothered by this. I didn’t.

Someone set a small plate of fruit in front of me, and I picked up an orange slice, munching away. I kept going, through the entire plate. The plate then disappeared. More movement around me, but again I didn’t process it. My mind was far away. Finding all my lost strength, my lost determination to prove I was strong. My sarcasm. My defence. I’d allowed myself to grow used to the care and love around me. I needed to stop. I needed to be strong. I didn’t have a choice.

The sound of a phone ringing loud made me jump and I snapped my head up, blinking rapidly. I sat alone in the kitchen. The landline sat on the kitchen bench, it’s shrill call beckoning me. I blinked a couple more times, picking myself up and reaching for it.

“Hello?”

“Loran?” A woman’s voice whispered. “Loran, baby, it's mummy."


	4. Chapter Four

**Loran -**

My breath caught in my throat. My mind went blank. I attempted to exhale, but couldn’t. My throat felt like it was closing and my vision was going black. Dark tendrils crept into my vision, the same tendrils from so long ago--

The phone was taken from my grip, and I exhaled immediately, lurching forward. A hand gripped my shoulder, steadying me. I didn’t turn around, couldn’t see who it was. Somebody was a stern voice, demanding to know who was on the phone.

They hung up a second later, and I was spun around. Berling dropped to his knees in front of me, his eyes snapping fire as he gripped my shoulders.

“Loran. Who was that?” He demanded, almost shaking me. “Loran?”

I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know what to say. Despite the shock that enveloped me at the sound of her voice, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief. Mum. She always gave me strength. She always helped me. Always pushed me through the hard times.

“Loran,” Berling’s voice brought me back, “Loran, tell me it wasn’t mum. Tell me it wasn’t mum.”

But it _was_. I couldn’t say that though. I’d been avoiding phones for years, so this wouldn’t happen. I’d been doing so well. But maybe it was mum who I needed to help me be strong for my brothers. Maybe it was mum’s courage that inspired my own.

I couldn’t get my mouth to work, couldn’t tell Berling anything. I didn’t have to though. It clicked for him, and he shook his head, muttering something under his breath as he pulled me in for a tight hug. I’d never been held this tight. At least, not for a long time. Berling’s arms almost squeezed the air right out of me, but he pulled back before he could. He stared deep into my eyes.

“Loran. Lorie, please don’t go back to that. I know we’re going through a really tough time. But I need you to be strong right now.”

 _This_ is _me being strong._

I managed a nod, because I knew that’s what he needed. Berling didn’t seem satisfied, but his shoulders dropped and he stood up, taking my hand. Like I was a petulant child. Who needed to be supervised everywhere. I did not. One phone call did not send me back into the person I was before. I was just finding my strength. My courage.

“How about you get changed into some trackies or shorts and we can go for a walk.”

“A walk?” I spoke. Berling nodded, opening my door and leading me inside.

“Yeah. I’ll go see if anybody else wants to go. You get changed. I’ll be back.” He disappeared out my door, closing it behind him. I sat down on the edge of my bed, inhaling heavily, and exhaling. Everything was okay. I could do this.

I picked myself up, shaking my head to get myself back into gear. I tried to clear my vision, but I felt like I had dark tendrils constantly flickering in my peripheral vision. I did my best to ignore them when I couldn’t blink them away. I found a pair of tracksuit pants and a shirt, and then fiddled my shoe laces. I didn’t wait for Berling to come back.

I took a deep breath at my bedroom door, calming myself, and then I opened it and walked down to the kitchen, where Berling was tying up his own shoes. He nodded at me when he caught sight of me in the doorway.

“Chester and Jackson will be coming, too.” He walked up to me, resting a hand on my shoulder as he led me to the front door. “A walk will do us all some good.”

“I don’t need to clear my head.” I murmured as we waited out the front. “I’m sorry if I scared you earlier. I think everything just rushed to my head.” Which wasn’t a lie.

Berling didn’t look like he believed me. But he didn’t make any comment as Chester and Jackson came out. Jackson beamed at me – but it wasn’t the same grin he normally wore. He took my hand in his, squeezing it as we began our walk. I wasn’t sure where we were going, but I enjoyed the burn in my leg. I wanted to go surfing. The burn in my arms, legs, chest. The adrenaline rush. I wanted that right now. Needed it.

None of us spoke. It was both relaxing and worrying. I didn’t come from a silent family. People liked to express their feelings. Communication was key – for my brothers. Not me. I hated it. But Jackson, definitely Jackson. He lived through speech, through drama. Him being silent was always very strange, and normally something was amiss.

But it didn’t feel that bad, right now. We walked quickly, building a sweat, and we walked a path that took us through bush and around, down to the lake. It took us through to a campsite, where I assumed Alexander and his family were staying.

There were big four wheel drives, tents, caravans. Golden retrievers, Labradors, pugs, terriers of all shapes and sizes. Families of all shapes and sizes. The wondrous waft of barbeque. A fun-loving atmosphere that deeply contradicted the one at home, the one I knew we were returning to.

We slowed down as we walked by the lake, through the trees and past my Tree House. A ghost of a smile touched my lips at the thought. I’d never owned anything in my life. And now I had a Tree House. The one thing I’d always really, really wanted. It sent me spinning with happiness, with content. I could never show my gratitude enough for it.

But then I remembered Bill, and my glee disintegrated. How could… What right did I have to be happy when Bill could be dying? When my brothers could all be fatherless soon. It seemed like I wasn’t meant to be happy, I wasn’t mean to have a good life. What the point, then? What was the point in living?

I couldn’t think like that, though. Not anymore. I needed to stay strong.

“Hey.” Berling grabbed my wrist as we found our way to the back patio. I stopped, glancing up at him as Chester and Jackson stretched on the edge of the patio. Berling squeezed my wrist. “Don’t go answering any phones, okay?”

I blinked a couple of times and licked my lips. “Berling, I’m not… I’m not going back there.”

Berling’s dark eyes flickered to the side, and I knew he didn’t believe me. Why would he? I’d given him, any of them, no reason to. Phone calls from mum were something I’d struggled with for such a long time, and if they were making a reappearance they had every right to worry. But they didn’t need to. Because I wouldn’t fall back into the dark pattern, I just needed her to give me strength in this time of struggle. When Bill was all right again – _if Bill was alright_ – I would go back to not needing her.

“Loran, promise me you won’t answer the phone. At all.” Berling caught my eye, determination evident. He looked serious, too. I swallowed and gave a curt nod.  It didn’t look like it would be enough for him, but he let it slide. Thankfully.

I turned around, stepped up onto the patio, and hurried inside. Ike stood at the kitchen bench with Freyne, kneading dough. They both glanced up as I walked past, and I smiled briefly, not sticking around to chat.

I went into the hall, right as Kerrick was leaving the bedroom. He caught my eye and his face brightened. Mine didn’t.

“Lorie.” he reached for me, but I retracted my hand, turning to look at him as I walked backward toward the staircase. Kerrick’s face morphed from the smile into something more worried. “Loran, are you… are you all right?”

I smiled. “Of course.” I turned around and jogged up the staircase. I didn’t wait for him to follow me, and instead disappeared into the small bathroom, slamming the door shut and resting my back against it. My heart pounded in my chest, making me ache all over. I pressed my palm to my heart and rubbed, softly at first and then more vigorously.

I was okay. There was no reason to get worked up. Everything was fine. I could convince them that the phone calls weren’t back, because that was true. Having one conversation with mum didn’t mean anything. It was all in my head anyway. Maybe I needed her for strength, but I didn’t need to talk to her through the phone.

Sighing, I picked myself up and stripped, turning the shower on and slipping inside. I quickly lathered myself up and down with soap, thinking of how I could do this. How I could be strong, without my brothers worrying. I didn’t want them to worry about me when they needed to think about Bill.

I wasn’t as important. And that wasn’t being self-deprecating. It was fact. I was not as important as Bill.

I finished lathering myself with soap and rinsed it off. I stepped out of the shower right as somebody knocked on the door. I froze, cursing internally until I calmed myself. _It’s fine. Don’t make them worry. You’re fine. Everything is fine._

“Loran?” Addison called, and the door hand twitched a little. I snatched up a towel and held it against me as the door opened and Addison poked his head inside. His eyes dropped, scanning me, and I could feel my cheeks warming as he slowly lifted them to meet my own gaze. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah,” I tightened my grip around the towel, attempting a smile, “just, uh, showering.”

Addison hummed in consideration, before he stepped into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I opened my mouth, very much prepared to object because what the hell did he think he was doing--

Addison stepped up to me and grabbed the towel, beginning to rub at my body with it. I stared up at him in both shock and frustration, my grip going lax as he rubbed at my arms and then over my head. I huffed when he rubbed the towel over my hair, and when it fell around my shoulders I caught his eye and stared up at him, reaching to grab at the towel myself.

“I can dry myself,” I assured, tugging it from him and holding it back against my chest. “I’m not a child.”

Addison sighed, running his fingers through my hair. “I know you aren’t. I’m just. We’re going through a bit of a rough patch and I don’t want you to feel neglected.”

“Well, I don’t. I’m fine.”

Addison didn’t look like he believed me. But he didn’t say anything. Instead he dropped his lips to my temple and squeezed my shoulders. I continued to stare at him as he stepped backwards to the door. “Come downstairs when you’re finished up.”

I nodded as he shut the door behind him, and then breathed a sigh of relief. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and dropped my head into my hands. I could do this. I wasn’t the same weak boy I had been so for so long.

Standing up, I finished drying myself off and slipped into my bedroom. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved loose white V neck. The dip wasn’t too deep, thankfully. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t wear it. I run a hand through my hair before heading back downstairs, determined to not fuck up.

Addison sat at the dining table with Berling, and when I walked in they both looked up simultaneously. I slowed down instantly, eyeing them both, and Addison gestured to the chair next to him and opposite Berling. I sucked my lower lip into my mouth as I slowly made my way over, settling myself down.

“Ber told me what happened,” Addison murmured, and he rested his hand on top of mine. I tried not to flinch or freeze at the touch, but it was undeniably a struggle. “Loran, if you think you’re going to fall back into that, you need to talk to us.”

“I’m not,” I murmured, staring down at our hands. “I’m not falling back into anything. I’m fine.” How many times do I need to say it? “It was just one phone call. I was tired and stressed, but I’m fine now.” I flickered my eyes up to meet Addison’s. He did not look like he believed me one little bit. I shifted my gaze to Berling, who was obviously churning my words over in his head.

Addison sighed, and squeezed my hand. “All right. Do you want to come with me to get some Chinese?”

“Sure,” I nodded.

Act normal, because everything is fine.


	5. Chapter Five

**Ike -**

I poked at my noodles as Kerrick stirred his congee about his bowl. Congee was how we knew something was up. Kerrick, like Graden and I, couldn’t stomach many things when emotions were high, except where Graden unintentionally took it to the next level, Kerrick and I attempted.

Graden sat at the end of the table, between Daiton and Berling, stirring his own congee around. He hadn’t lifted any of it to his mouth yet, and I didn’t expect him to. Daiton was right through his Singapore noodles, and he and Berling were sharing a small container of dim sums that were already more than halfway gone.

Addison ate his rice with lemon chicken slowly, his eyes flickering to all of us. Beside him Hunter and Jackson also ate rice and lemon chicken, sharing from the container and talking quietly between each other. Watching them made my heart soar, because I loved them so much. Knowing they were mine… I smiled into my noodles.

“What are we going to do until our passports and visas are finalised?” Elliott asked around a mouthful of pork, and beside him Freyne delicately passed a shrimp to his lips with a pair of chopsticks.

“Nothing,” Berling muttered, chugging his honey chicken back. “Nothing. We are going to sit here and wait. We aren’t going to be too rash about anything.” He spoke the last bit with a stern eye on Addison, who sat back and raised an eyebrow.

“You expect us to just sit about while dad could be dying?” Jackson demanded, dropping his fork and crossing his arms over his chest. Loran flinched at the word ‘dying,’ but otherwise he didn’t move much at all, ducking his head over his bowl of wonton soup and shovelling more into his mouth.

“Yes.” Berling said. His eyes seemed to darken as they dropped onto Jackson. “Yes. I do. Because if we stress about it, we are going to be in the wrong headspace for when we do get to him.”

Jackson glowered at that and shoved his fork into a piece of chicken, opening his mouth to object. Chester, thankfully, cut him off, setting his own fork down.

“What Berling is trying to say, Jackie, is that if we start thinking dad is dead, or that he isn’t going to make it, our mental states are going to be all over the shop when we do get to him, and he’s going to need us to be okay so he can rely on us.”

Jackson huffed, but didn’t comment as he brought the abused piece of chicken to his lips, sucking on it. Nobody said anything after that, but it was obvious everybody was deep in thought. And why wouldn’t we be. I’d never been this confronted, this lost. I, and all my brothers, had always had a sure direction for life. We always knew how our life was going to pan out-- with the exception of Loran, I guess.

Speaking of. I glanced across the table to Loran, who sat with his arms wrapped around his bowl of soup. I… I was ashamed that I didn’t know Loran well enough to tell if him eating soup was because he wouldn’t be able to digest anything solid right now, either. I guess it could be. Some of us got really awful anxiety. Some of us, I glanced across at Addison briefly, were just better at hiding it.

Loran had the hand thing though. But we didn’t know if that was anxiety driven or PTSD driven. Isn’t that what the doctor once said? Loran, who witnessed the death of his, our, mother, was struggling mentally. I scowled, poking at my noodles again before lifting a forkful to my lips. I hadn’t like that doctor much. In fact, I didn’t like many of them.

Who were they to tell me my baby brother was mentally fucked? Loran wasn’t mentally fucked. He wasn’t fucked anywhere. Well, I mean…

“What are you smirking at?” Elliott demanded, and I jerked, glancing at him. He scowled at me, but there was a twinkle in his eyes and a twitch to his lips that made my smirk grow.

“Nothing.” I sucked my fork into my mouth, holding Elliott’s gaze as I did. Elliott’s eyes darkened, and I slid the fork from my lips, smiling sweetly as I reached for my glass of water. Elliott shook his head, leaning over Freyne to rest his hand on mine.

“Baby, you don’t get to tease like that.” He murmured, and Freyne’s cheeks lit up as he slid his seat back. Elliott didn’t seem to mind as he shifted closer to me, his hand still on mine around the glass. _A distraction,_ I thought, already feeling my knees weaken and my heart speed up. All around us was silent. Everybody had stopped eating. Their eyes on Elliot, myself and poor Freyne caught in the middle.

I flickered my gaze to Freyne, and Elliott pouted. I ignored him as I leaned forward, pressing my lips to Freyne’s warm cheek. This sudden embarrassment was… unlike him. But I was going to take advantage of it. I shifted the glass that Elliott and I were holding, bringing it to the edge of the table. Freyne didn’t notice, his eyes on me, his cheeks flushed and his lips parted. I accidentally turned the glass upside down, splashing the cool water along the front of Freyne’s pants. Freyne gasped, jerking, and I tilted my head, looking down.

“Oops. Did you have an accident?” Where is this coming from, Ike? Freyne couldn’t have burned brighter if he tried, and Elliott looked captivated, his eyes trailing the front of Freyne’s shirt to his wet crotch, and then back to his face. Freyne’s eyes flickered from the front of his pants to Elliott, and Elliott inhaled abruptly.

“Fuck.” Elliott breathed. “That’s hot.” His hand pulled from mine and instead he reached for Freyne, pulling him onto his lap. Freyne seemed shocked, but once he was straddling Elliott and Elliott was kissing him so hard, I think his embarrassment dwindled into pleasure.

I smirked, leaning back in my chair as I looked around the table. Everybody’s eyes were on the little show Elliott and Freyne were giving. Even Loran and Graden.

When a hand touched mine, I looked across the table to Hunter, whose dark eyes spoke volumes as he gestured for me. I picked myself up and walked around to him, keeping my pace slow, not too eager. “Yes?” I pitched my voice low as I leaned over the back of the chair. Hunter grabbed my hand, jerking me down onto his lap. I blinked in shock, but then grinned up at him, soothing down the hurricane inside of me.

“You’re a shit,” Hunter murmured affectionally, and then leaned down. He tasted spicy, and I moaned, my eyes fluttering shut as I pressed against him. I heard the slide of chairs around me, but my attention was on Hunter and the touch of his tongue as it fought with mine. How could one be so skilled?

I ran my fingers along his biceps, and up to the back of his neck, tugging him closer to deepen the kiss. Hunter accommodated happily, wrapping one of his strong arms around my waist as he leaned forward, his other hand sunk down between my legs, skimming over me through my pants, and then running his fingers along my thigh. A tremble started in my toes, slowly making its way up my spine and into my lips. I pulled back for a breath, staring up into Hunter’s eyes and loving it. Loving him. I sighed at my sappiness.

 Glancing around I noted where everybody had wandered off to. Or, to whom they had wandered. Elliott and Freyne were still sucking face, but Elliott was steadily dragging Freyne’s shirt off, grabbing any piece of bare skin that he could, and Freyne was moaning and moving against Elliott throughout it all. Jackson was straddling Daiton, one hand gripping the back of Daiton’s chair and the other gripping Kerrick’s, who was sitting on Chester’s lap beside them, swapping tentative kisses and touches. I smiled at that, curling up on Hunter as I watched Chester and Kerrick’s sweetness.

But then the sharp gasp from Graden distracted me. I snapped my head around, seeing Graden, pinned to the kitchen counter near the doorway. Telling me he tried to leave but was stopped by Berling, who held him flush against the counter, lips trailing Graden’s neck. Graden’s eyes were screwed shut, but he wasn’t pushing Berling away-- in fact. Quite the opposite.

Graden’s fingers were curled tight around Berling’s biceps, his thighs trembling as he lifted one to hook around Berling’s leg, pulling him closer. Berling accommodated happily, leaning up to touch his lips to Graden’s, and Graden, at first, turned away, but then he slowly looked up at Berling, and my fingers curled around Hunter at the sight.

I looked over the other side of the table to Loran, who stood in front of Addison, chewing his lip uncertainly. It must be hard for him, coming into this relationship. But we were so happy he was finally a part of it and not just an on-looker… or. Was he even an on-looker if he didn’t know about it?

I bit my lip, leaning heavily against Hunter, who dropped his arms to wrap around my waist as he rested his chin on my shoulder.

“Beautiful,” he commented softly, and I sighed, nodding. Not bothering to ask who he was talking about, because all our brothers were. Hunter chuckled, his breath warm against my cheek. “I’m talking about you.”

I blinked, turning my head. “Oh?”

Hunter nodded, kissing my cheek. “You’re beautiful.”

I definitely did not blush, just returned my attention to Loran as he timidly leant down, kissing Addison. I smiled. Loran might think he was rough around the edges and tough and sarcastic-- which he was. But he was also soft. Sweet. Loving. Whether he knew it yet or not.

Addison’s arms wrapped tight around Loran, pulling him closer, and Loran’s palms lifted to rest against Addison’s shoulders, supporting himself. Addison deepened the kiss, and Hunter mouthed at my shoulder. I blinked down at him, my lips twitching as he stared up at me.

Yes… yes maybe life was shitty right now. But I had them, and they had me.

***

We were sitting down for a movie – _No Escape_ – when the phone rang. I jerked, and Loran, sitting on a beanbag with Kerrick, jerked as well, looking around as if to make sure everybody could hear the phone and it wasn’t his imagination. Kerrick rested a reassuring hand on Loran’s shoulder, and Loran leant back in the beanbag with relief, his lips pulling into a strained smile.

Addison pushed himself off the couch, where he sat with Jackson curled up on one side and Graden on the other. Berling, sitting on the other side of Jackson, leant over and pressed a hand to Addison’s shoulder, keeping him in place as he stood up and disappeared into the kitchen.

He came back with the phone in hand, frowning. He set it on the side table, and clicked the light off as he walked back to the couch, settling himself down. Elliott tossed a pillow at him from his position between Chester and Daiton on the love couch. Berling caught it and raised an eyebrow, a look which Elliott returned.

“Who was on the phone?”

Berling shrugged. “I didn’t reach it in time. And whoever it was didn’t leave any voicemail.”

Freyne frowned, standing up from his own beanbag with Hunter and shuffling over to the phone. He picked it up and clicked a couple of buttons, before he frowned.

“It’s from New Zealand.” Freyne squinted at the small screen on the landline. “But it’s not the hospitals number?”

Berling shrugged, picking up the remote and waving for Freyne to come back over. Freyne did so, leaving the phone where it was. We all settled down, and I slid down onto my stomach between the two big beanbags – Loran and Kerrick on one and Hunter and Freyne on the other – and locked my eyes on the screen, happy for the distraction.

***

Later that night we all tucked ourselves into the big bed downstairs. I was grateful for the warmth of the bodies around me as I burrowed myself against my pillow and drew my blankets up over my body.

Later that night a scream woke me. I jolted upright, my eyes snapping open as my brothers jerked around me. I looked around the room, and then down at the bed, counting bodies as my brothers attempted to draw themselves from their slumber. Berling was up and moving, as was Daiton, before I’d even managed a coherent thought, but even in my sleepy daze I counted one less person, and I scrambled out of the bed.

Later that night my fear thawed itself, but my worry increased as I saw my brother on the bathroom floor, a mess.


	6. Chapter Six

**Loran -**

I woke up abruptly, sharply, my heart pounding and sweat gliding down my face. I gasped sharply, looking around. I was in the big room. My brothers shallow but even breathing all around me.

I exhaled slowly, running a hand down my forehead, unsure what woke me up. I looked on either side of me. To one side I had Kerrick, face down and arms tucked under his pillow. To my other side slept Chester, who had his arms wrapped tight around Graden beside him. On Graden’s other side slept Ike and Hunter, with Daiton taking up the end, one of his arms lazily thrown over Hunter’s waist.

Beside Kerrick slept Jackson, in a similar position to Kerrick, but on his back. Beside Jackson Addison, who slept on his side, his back to me. On his other side were Elliott and Freyne. Elliott, with his lips parted and snoring a little bit, and Freyne with a furrowed brow. And on Freyne’s other side slept Berling, on his side too, but facing me. His eyes were shut, thankfully.

Blinking a couple of times to clear the bleariness I slid to the end of the bed, rubbing vigorously at my face. What on earth woke me up?

I stood up slowly, looking around the dark room. The curtains kept the light out, thankfully. But it didn’t keep the shadows away. So when I saw a shape, a human shape, race past the curtains outside, I jumped and stifled a shout. Looking around, I checked if my brothers woke up, but they all slept quietly.

I frowned, walking towards the closed bedroom door. I pulled it open and peered out into the darker hallway. I glanced down toward the front door, biting my lip hard. My brothers still slept, and I debated getting back into bed with them.

But I steeled myself against that thought. I stepped into the hallway, heading down to the front door, frowning at it as I walked closer. Was it chilly in here? I shivered. Walking closer to front door, I didn’t dare reach for the handle. I wasn’t that stupid.

I did step up close and look through the peeping hole. Nothing but darkness. Of course. I rolled my eyes at my paranoia and turned back around. If anybody, it was probably Alexander. Or his strange sister, Alyssa.

I walked back to the bedroom, stopping only when I got the urge to pee, and took a detour into the bathroom. I washed my hands and splashed my face, shaking my head and rubbing at my face a couple of times before looking at my reflection in the mirror.

I wore deep, dark circles under my eyes. But who didn’t? I sighed, towelling my face off and dropping the towel onto the basin as I turned around. I almost jumped through the roof when the phone rang, the piercing sound cutting right through the bathroom. Exhaling, I pressed a hand to my chest, shaking my head.

_It’s fine, Loran. It’s fine._

I flicked the bathroom light off, noticing as I did so that my fingers were beginning to shake. And not a little tremble, but quite violently. I frowned, turning them over as I stepped into the hallway. I gasped when I hit something solid, and quite wet.

Jerking backward, I kept my eyes on my hands, catching sight of the feet behind my hands. I inhaled sharply. Bare. Tinged blue. Soaking wet. I slowly lifted my head, my heart rising in my throat as I made eye contact with crystal blue eyes, not the gentle browns ones they always had been, and a scream caught in my throat as I stumbled backward. I crashed into the bathroom door, my hand flying out to flick the light on, but I missed it, falling back.

I stared up as my mother stepped forward, looming over me. I squeezed my eyes shut, biting my lip hard as I shook my head. _This isn’t real. This_ isn’t _real_.

I shivered again, and peaked an eye open. My mother still loomed over me, but she was closer, leaning down. The phone was in her hand, and it suddenly rang, loud. I dropped my gaze to that. My heart froze over, my toes curled as I attempted to scramble backward.

“Loran.” Her voice, croaky and wrecked, made me snap my head up. I immediately shut my eyes, but found I couldn’t keep them shut for long. I opened them, feeling another scream build itself up in my throat as she abruptly leaned forward, catching the collar of my shirt and holding the phone in front of my face as it continued to ring. “Answer. The. Phone.”

I shook my head quickly, squeezing my eyes shut and attempting to twist away, but her hold was strong.

_You’re dreaming. You’re dreaming. Wake up!_

“I said. Answer. The. Phone!” Her words rang loud, and I cried out, opening my eyes as she lifted the phone above my head, as if about to strike me. As she brought her arm down, swinging, I gasped and screamed, ducking my head and doing my best to slide away.

Everything went silent then. Everything turned black. A deep darkness, so dark and thick that it frightened me. I held my breath for only a second before screaming again. I screamed in the hopes one of my brothers would _wake me up_.

Bright light flashed all around me, and I screamed again, curling in on myself as thick arms wrapped around me and suddenly it was so _warm_. Oh God, such warmth. I attempted to sit upright and grab them, whoever was kneeling in front of me, but I couldn’t get my limbs to work.

“Loran?” Berling. Berling, your voice has never sounded so good. “Loran, what happened?”

“Why are you in the bathroom?” That was Daiton. Thank God. I squeezed my eyes shut as I attempted to lurch forward, to move deeper into the warmth, but I was stuck. I couldn’t move. It felt like seaweed, wrapped tight around my ankles, tugging me down, keeping me in the dark swirl. I shook. I gasped. I needed someone to _help_ me.

“Loran.” A voice, right at my ear, demanding. I longed to listen, to twist into their hold, but I couldn’t breathe. I was drowning. “Loran, Loran, I have you. I have you.”

I gasped again, snapping my eyes open only to see mum, again. She leered down at me, through the darkness around us, the phone back in her hands. Her lips moved but I couldn’t hear anything. My ears were ringing, and I opened my mouth. I screamed.

I screamed and writhed and thrashed until I felt myself go limp.

I woke hours later to gentle fingers carding through hair, fingernails scraping along my scalp. I blinked my eyes open slowly, adjusting them to the light before narrowing in on Chester. He laid back against the headboard of the big bed, one hand holding a book while his other brushed at my hair. I glanced around, finding myself tucked up against his side, my head on the pillow beside him and one of my arms thrown across his waist.

I fought down the flush that wanted to start, instead shifting back a little and looking up to Chester, who didn’t quite startle at my sudden movement, but did blink a couple of times, closing his book and setting it down.

“Hey,” he murmured, shifting down so he was lying beside me, facing me. I watched him, feeling a little wary as he brushed my cheek and then took my hand in his, bringing it to his lips. “How are you feeling?”

I blinked at that, and wracked my brain for why such a question would be important.

And then it clicked. I inhaled sharply and looked up at Chester, my eyes widening and my fingers clenching tight around his. Chester shifted, pressing closer to me as I reached to wrap an arm around him tight, and he held me as I resisted biting his shoulder.

“It was mum,” I murmured against his shoulder, pressing my nose to his collarbone and squeezing my eyes shut. Chester’s arms tightened around me, only fraction but it was noticeable. “Mum and… she…” it wasn’t mum. Not really. She was so… aggressive. I shook my head, burying my face against Chester’s shoulder, blinking rapidly.

I held him, and he held me, for who knows how long. But eventually I sniffed and pushed back, laying back to stare up at the ceiling. Chester rested his palm across my stomach, and he just waited with me, didn’t push me. I loved that.

I swallowed, and closed my eyes, listening to Chester’s breathing. With my eyes shut it was soothing. But only for a couple of seconds until I was assaulted by the blue tinged woman leering at me, holding a phone out, mouth opening in a scream--

I sat upright, gripping my chest and panting. Chester sat upright beside me, his arm loose around my shoulders.

“Hey. Hey. You’re okay. It’s fine.”

I nodded hastily, running a hand down my face. I squeezed my eyes shut for only a second before snapping them open again and shaking my head.

“I keep seeing her.” I whispered between my fingers. I could feel them beginning to tremble, and I hastily shoved my hands into my lap. “And she keeps… She’s _mean_.” And that was the only way to explain it.

Mum wasn’t mean. She was always so gentle. So calm. So loving. She loved me. She would never raise her voice at me. _Never_.

“Mean how?” Chester questioned, voice pitched low, right against my ear. I shuddered.

“She… she almost screeches. And-- and she’s _wet_.” I shudder again, shaking my head vigorously. Chester’s arm tightens, warm and comforting around me as he hums softly.

“Wet because... because of the water?” He asked softly. I nod, my throat too dry to form any words. “Because she drowned?”

A wave of emotion hit me and I gasped, nodding again as I dropped my head down, drawing my knees to my chest and touching my forehead to them. I didn’t want to think about her. I didn’t want to remember.

“Okay, okay,” Chester’s hand began to rub circles on my back. “All right, Lorie. It’s all right.” He shifted along the bed, continuing to rub my back until he couldn’t anymore, as he’d shifted to the end of the bed. “I’ll be right back.”

I watched him go, not bothering to ask him to stay because I didn’t believe that he would. He closed the bedroom door behind him, and I sat there, staring at it intently, trying my hardest to not think. I didn’t want to think about anything. I didn’t want my mind to wander. I didn’t want to think about mum, or why I dreamed of such a thing-- mum never gave me a reason to suspect she’d scream at me. Never gave me a reason to suspect she’d be angry at me.

The bedroom door opened and Addison stepped in. I stared at him as he closed the door and walked across the room. He perched on the end of the bed, holding his arms out for me, and I hastily scrambled into him, my brain seeming to short circuit as I wrapped my arms tight around him, inhaling his scent.

“You want to talk about it?”

I shook my head. No. I never wanted to talk about it. I wanted to forget it.

“Okay.” Addison kissed my forehead and then stood up, drawing me from the bed. “Come and eat some lunch.”

I stood up shakily, gripping Addison’s hand, stopping him before we left the bedroom. Addison turned to look at me, his eyes piercing, searching.

“Nobody’s going to ask, yeah?”

Addison shook his head. “Nobody will say anything.”

Somehow, I doubted that.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Loran -**

A week later and I hadn’t touched a phone. My brothers didn’t say anything about my nightmare, my hallucination, my whatever. But God they were frustratingly available every time I wanted to do something.

Like, go for a walk.

_“Oh, a walk?” Daiton grinned, an arm dropping across my shoulders. “I was just about to go for a run.”_

_“A walk.” I grumbled, shrugging him off as I knelt to pull my shoes on. Daiton grinned at me, dropping down to do his own shoe laces up._

_“Yeah, I’ll walk.”_

_I rolled my eyes, standing up and heading out the door_.

Or, going to my treehouse.

_“You… you don’t need to stand there.” I mumbled, climbing up the ladder. Elliott smirked, dropping down to lean against the tree trunk. He didn’t answer me and I sighed as I climbed up the rest of the way._

_When I didn’t head back down within an hour, Elliott came up. Much to my frustration. Was this not_ my _treehouse? I scowled at him, drawing my knees to my chest as I stared down at the photograph of our mum._

_“Go away.” I snapped. Elliott blinked at me, and then smirked._

_“Sorry baby bro.” He began to descend, but an hour later he was climbing back up to make sure I was still breathing normally._

Or, even going to the bathroom. That was a nightmare.

_“I do not need you to follow me in here.” I growled at Addison as I left the bedroom. I’d attempted to leave the bed slowly, not wobbling it or anything. But it had been futile. Addison blinked himself awake and was following me into the bathroom._

_“I just…” Addison shrugged, closing the door behind him. I shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest._

_“Absolutely not. Addi. I was dreaming. I’m fine. You’ve taken good care of me.” Too much care, if you ask me. I didn’t want to be coddled. I pointed at the door. “Please leave.”_

_Addison pulled a face and looked as if he wouldn’t leave me. A growl was growing in my throat and I hated it. I hated telling my brothers what to do. But this was ridiculous._

I sighed, stirring my cereal as Berling sat down next to me with his muesli. I noticed the way he brushed his shoulder against mine. Another thing everybody had been doing now. _Touching_ me. And I thought I would love it.

But it’s suffocating.

I shifted away and stuffed a spoonful of cereal into my mouth, staring across the table at Kerrick, who stirred a mug of coffee while reading. Despite my hallucination, things seemed to have calmed down a little bit. Everybody was still on edge about our passports, but since our departure date grew closer every day, and there hadn’t been any news on Bill’s condition worsening, everyone seems to have taken a deep breath.

Beside Kerrick sat Jackson and his tablet. He was scrolling through something, eyes narrowed in concentration. Jackson and concentration was a weird combination, but I shrugged it off and glanced to Kerrick’s other side. Hunter sat munching on toast, scrolling through his phone. I felt at least a little thankful for the quads. They’d done their best to leave me alone, only running their hands down my back when they passed by me.

I assumed I could thank Kerrick for that. Or possibly Graden, because he too had been giving me distance. But Graden seemed to understand it better than anybody else. When you were going through something that needed to be personal, for you to go through and sort out alone. I needed to figure out what mum was telling me. Was she genuinely angry at me? Upset with me?

Mum had never been genuinely upset at me. She’d always been so kind and sweet. She always told me she loved me. Always hugged me.

Lately Graden was giving off the same vibe. Like he needed to be alone for a bit. But nobody was letting him go away. Addison was adamant he stayed with us all the time.

Graden, who sat up against the window with a hot cup of tea. He stared out the window like there being out there would be one hundred times better than in here. I couldn’t help but agree. I wanted to be _alone_. To think about everything that had happened. Some _me_ time.

Ike walked through from the family room, dumping a bowl in the sink and then walking around to wrap his arms around Hunter’s shoulders, leaning in close. Ike pressed his lips to Hunter’s cheek, whispering something in his ear that made Hunter’s lips twitch slightly, and beside me Berling snorted. I glanced up at him, and he caught my eye and winked.

I returned my attention to my cereal and quickly finished it before standing up to take it to the sink. I didn’t return to my seat when I was done, instead sidling past the family room doorway, where Chester, Daiton and Elliott sat watching children cartoons on the television. I slipped into the hallway, where I could hear the pipes rattling from the extremely long shower Addison and Freyne were sharing and I made my way down to the laundry, slipping inside and closing the door firmly behind me.

Once I was inside I quickly made my way out the glass door and snuck around the side of the house, disappearing into the bush and making my way around to the lake in such a way that nobody could see me through the floor to ceiling windows in the dining room and kitchen.

I prayed I didn’t get shouted at when I returned for scaring the shit out of them as I found myself at the lake, close by to my tree house. I sighed in content to finally have the freedom I desired so much and slowly sat myself down, sliding down the pebbles until my feet, then calves, then knees found themselves submerged in the water.

Cold, thick slime covered me but I didn’t care. It felt like seaweed, like moss. In fact, it probably was partly moss. I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, leaning forward to splash my fingers through the cool water.

My eyes slid shut and I slowed my breathing, the way mum always taught me when she wanted a couple of minutes to mediate. I leant forward, wrapping my arms around my knees and loving the crisp, fresh air. Nature smelled beautiful. I could stay out here forever. Nature also encouraged deep thought, and I found my mind forming images and thoughts as my body relaxed.

I thought, expected, my mind to take me to my hallucinations. To show me mum. To show me how scary she was in the bathroom, demanding I answer the phone. The terror that filled me. But my mind took me elsewhere.

To a white room, a pale man in a white bed. Everything was colourless. There were no flowers, nothing. Everything was emotionless. Dead.

Like the man lying in the bed.

Bill.

I gasped, my fingers squeezing each other, but I kept my eyes closed. I needed to think this.

Bill laid so lifeless but… but he wasn’t dead. We’d received no call to tell us he was gone. He was still alive. He was still all right. Or… as all right as he could be.

I bit my lower lip hard, shaking my head. This wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t have impacted the plane in anyway. This wasn’t my fault.

But the darkness inside me screamed otherwise. I’d been so awful to him. I never gave him the chance to redeem himself for his harsh words. His harsh, but true words. Ever since mum died I’d been a blob. A shadow of nothing. I locked myself away, deep inside myself, and I was still there. Only parts of me came out. And they weren’t very good parts. I was either moody or upset.

Where was my happiness?

It was dying, like Bill.

Tears filled my eyes and I shuddered. They trickled down my cheeks slowly. I drew my knees tighter to my chest and held my breath. My feet sank deeper into the water, the cool, calming water.

I pushed my fingers through my thick brown hair, tugging a couple strands out, but I kept my eyes shut. Even as the tears grew, even as my lips began to quiver. I attempted to hold my sobs in, but it was incredibly difficult.

I needed to be brave. I needed to be brave for my family. I needed to show them I was okay. I needed to be brave for myself. I could do this--

I couldn’t do this if Bill died. I couldn’t be an orphan. Not yet. Please, not yet--

I needed to be brave. Bravery was the key to… the key to… the--

“Fuck it.” I whispered harshly, shaking my head. “Fuck it. Being brave _sucks_.”

A warm hand resting between my shoulder blades made me jerk. I snapped my head around, a scream growing in my throat. A scream to tell my brothers to fuck off. I needed to be alone.

But it wasn’t Addison. Or Berling. Or Chester, or Daiton, or Elliott. It wasn’t Freyne or Graden. Or Hunter, Ike, Jackson or Kerrie.

It was Alexander. A small, soft, sad smile touching his lips. I blinked a couple of times, but when he didn’t move or say anything, I buried my face back into my arms. My body began to shake as he ran his palm up and down my spine, comforting me.

Eventually he sat down beside me, his long arm draping across my shoulders, and he pulled me close. I would have pushed him off, but he was warm and safe.

As my soft sobs eventually subsided, I sniffled, peering up at him. “What are you doing here? If my brothers see you--”

“I don’t care about your brothers right now.” Alexander muttered. “You’re upset. Why?”

I sniffed again, shaking my head as I pushed off him. I couldn’t confide in him. It wouldn’t be right. I didn’t know him.

“It’s nothing. No reason. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” he mused softly, letting me go when I pushed off him and stood up, rubbing vigorously at my cheeks. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I hated that I already had, but now I needed to stop. I didn’t even like crying in front of my brothers. It was too… vulnerable.

“It’s nothing.” I grumbled, crossing my arms over my chest tightly. Alexander shook his head, standing up. He attempted to wrap his arm around me again, but I shrugged him off and took a couple steps away, glaring at him. “Don’t touch me.”

He immediately raised his hands. “Okay.”

I nodded my thanks, and turned to look out across the water. Why couldn’t my life be that peaceful? I continued to stare out at it, doing my best to ignore Alexander as he shifted awkwardly, probably wanting to say something but not sure what. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. Why couldn’t everybody just leave me alone?

…But then. Maybe talking to somebody who wasn’t related to me, who I wouldn’t see again after he and his family left, would be helpful. Confiding in somebody who couldn’t be long term pitiful. Only short term.

I swallowed thickly, eyeing him out the corner of my eye. “You… you have a sister, correct?”

Alexander blinked in shock at my words, but then he nodded. “Yeah.”

“And a mother and father?”

Alexander’s nose twitched but he nodded confirmation. “I also have a couple of little sisters and a baby brother.”

I nodded. “Well, you see. I might only have my brothers soon enough.”

It seemed to take Alexander a little while to process my words, but when he did he jerked in shock. “What? Oh. Oh, God. Loran, I’m so sorry.”

I shook my head. “Don’t be.” I don’t want apologies. I want a time machine. I want to go back and fix everything. Maybe if I hadn’t been born everything would be all right.

Alexander didn’t say anything more, and neither did I. I stared at my feet, and then at his feet. I really wanted to go up my tree house, to be honest. I wanted to be surrounded by something that was purely mine and nobody else’s. But it would be extremely rude of me to leave Alexander down here.

“Do you,” I licked my lips and lifted my head, “want to, um…”

He caught my eye, his gorgeous grey eyes. My cheeks burned. I turned away and looked across to my tree.

“Come with me.” I murmured, reaching for his hand. Our fingers twined and my cheeks burned more. I attempted to push my embarrassment down as I led him towards the large tree, but ignoring the thrill that went down my spine was difficult.

Alexander didn’t say anything as I led him to the tree, but when we stopped beside it, he tugged his hand from mine.

“Hold on. You’re going to take me up there?” He tilted his head back, staring up at the height.

A small smile touched my lips and warmed my heart as I looked up at the tree. At my Tree House. God, it felt so good to think that.

My Tree House.

Somewhere just for me. Somewhere for my thoughts. Somewhere safe.  

“Yes,” I nodded, reaching for the ladder. I began to climb up, stopping halfway when Alexander didn’t immediately follow me. I glanced down at him. Alexander stared up at me, one eye brow raised.

“Sorry, was enjoying the view.” He smirked and then began to climb up behind me.

My ears burned as I huffed, continuing to climb up. When I reached the top, I scrambled through the little hole and turned around, reaching a hand down to help Alexander up. The corner of Alexander’s eyes crinkled when he looked up and saw me helping, and he reached for me.

When I pulled him up, I attempted to slide away, into my small house, but Alexander’s hand tightened around me and he pulled me close. Close enough that I could feel his warm breath on my lips. My eyes widened as he leaned forward, his lips brushing mine slightly.

Goose bumps ran along my skin and I inhaled sharply, lifting my eyes to his. Alexander held my gaze as he leaned forward, kissing me soundly.

My eyes widened and I immediately pulled back, hitting the solid wall behind me. Alexander blinked at me, hand still on mine.

“Um.” I managed, coughing. “Sorry, I…” I can’t. I can’t. I’m in love with my brothers, I can’t. I swallowed thickly, ducking my head and crawling into the small square building. Alexander didn’t immediately follow me, and his absence made my chest ache.

But then he crawled inside, too. He sat himself at the entrance as I propped myself up against the far wall. Neither of us spoke, and it was worse than earlier. I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? There was nothing acceptable to say in this situation. Not for me.

But I needed to say something--

“Hey,” Alexander spoke, and I snapped my head up to look at him, “sorry. I didn’t mean to, err. I just. I thought you wanted it.” He shrugged uncomfortably and I bit my lip, sighing.

“I… I did.” I murmured. Because it was true. Part of me wanted to experience it. Wanted to experience being loved unconditionally from somebody outside my family. I didn’t have many friends. In fact, I didn’t have any. So… so maybe I just wanted somebody to love me. But not… not like that. Or…

I shook my head. I was a mess.

Alexander didn’t move right away, but then he crawled across to me. He leaned back against the wall beside me. One of his arms dropped across my shoulders and he drew me closer, the same way he had done down by the lake.

I found myself leaning against him, loving the warmth he emitted. I could stay here all day. I _wanted_ to stay here all day. No pestering brothers. Lovers. Brothers. No worries about Bill. Or mum. Or anybody. Just. Just me.

And Alexander.

Alexander, whose arm had dropped down beside him, and his hand had found my thigh. He moved slowly, fingers skimming my tracksuit pants, massaging. It was soothing, and I found myself closing my eyes.

We stayed like that for a minute or two, and then Alexander’s croaky voice broke the silence.

“Loran.”

“Mm?” I hummed, tilting my head back against the wall behind me, appreciating the silence.

“You’re, um. You’re interesting.” His words jumbled together in a show of nervousness and I opened one eye to look at him. Alexander didn’t come across as the type to get nervous. But here he was, fidgeting.

“Is that a compliment?” I asked, reaching to touch his wrist, stopping him from continuing his caress.

“Yes,” Alexander nodded, moving his hand to grab mine. He tilted his head to look at me, and when his grey eyes met mine I couldn’t turn away. “I mean, Loran. You’re different. You’re…”

“Different?” Somehow that didn’t seem like a compliment. I slipped my hand from his, opening both eyes and leaning forward, turning back to stare at him. “Different, how?”

I didn’t want to be different. I wanted to fit in. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to stop getting lost in my head. I needed to move on from my past. I didn’t want to be different.

Alexander shook his head. “A good different.” And then he leaned forward, one hand catching my jaw as he kissed me again. I blinked in shock, my first response to move away, but Alexander’s fingers slipped into my hair, tugging me closer.

I gasped, and his tongue slid into my mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut, remembering my brothers kissing me in a similar way. They’d run their tongue along mine, squeeze the back of my neck. My eye lids fluttered and I could feel myself hardening at the thought.

“Wow, you taste amazing,” Alexander whispered against my lips and I snapped my eyes open at his voice. Shit. I jerked backward, and this time Alexander let me go. He blinked at me in shock and I rubbed at my mouth.

“Shit,” I muttered, rubbing my face. “Shit.” No. I didn’t want this.

“Loran?” Alexander called, and I lifted my head. My fingers began to quiver as I twisted them into my pants. I hated the way his grey eyes pierced into mine, the way he held me with merely a look. I shook my head, unable to drop eye contact.

“I can’t.” I murmured, shaking my head harder, my hands beginning to shake violently. “I _can’t_.”

Alexander seemed shocked, and then a pink tint lit up his cheeks. “Shit, are you, like, in a relationship or something?”

 _Or something_.

My chest seized because I couldn’t answer that. I didn’t nod or shake my head, I just continued to stare at him. The shaking in my hands seemed to spread throughout my entire body, but the majority of it ached in my fingertips. Alexander bit his lip and then stood up, brushing himself off slowly. I continued to watch him, tilting my head back.

“I…” I what? I stumbled over my words and closed my mouth. What could I say?

Alexander ran his hands through his hair and looked around. I dropped my gaze to the wooden floor, biting the inside of my cheek. God. This isn’t what I wanted. Alexander… this isn’t what I wanted at all. I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head harder. Fuck. Why did I always fuck everything up?

“I’m going to, um,” Alexander’s footsteps sounded as he passed me, “leave.”

I didn’t answer him. I heard him begin to descend the ladder and I sighed. A minute later I heard his feet hit the ground, and then the sound of voices. Multiple voices. My blood ran cold and I swore softly. _Shit_.

I couldn’t handle my brothers right now. I just needed to be alone.

Staggering to my feet I stumbled to the ladder that would take me up further. I don’t know how I managed to climb it the whole way, with my hands not cooperating, but the wind caught me when I reached the very top, and I stopped climbing. I crawled onto the landing, and sat myself a little bit back from the edge. I didn’t look down. I stared across the lake. At the other side where greenery met a blue sky.

I wrapped my arms around myself. I ducked my head against the wind, trying to block it out. I didn’t want to be up here, but I didn’t want to talk to my brothers more. I just wanted to be alone.

“Lorie?”

“Go away,” I snapped, hunching my shoulders further. “Leave me alone!”

“Lorie, baby. It’s me. It’s mummy.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing my palms to my ears. “Go away!” Leave me alone. _Please_. Just leave me alone.

“Look at you.” She whispered. Whispered. “You’re my precious boy, you don’t need to cry.”

“I’m not crying.” I muttered, rubbing my cheeks against my knees. I buried my face against my knees then, keeping my palms to my ears. But I could still hear her loud and clear.

_“Go away,” my small voice cried. Mum’s hand was on my back, rubbing it soothingly._

_“Baby, you’re all right. It’s just a scratch.” She helped me to my feet, but I was crying too hard to see straight. The sand around me was blinding me and tripping me and I hated everything. My palm hurt, my wrist her. My forearm stung. I sobbed harder._

_“What happened?” Berling jogged over, his dark hair blowing in the wind. He wore shorts and was covered in sand. He’d been playing volley ball with Addison, Chester, Daiton, Elliott and Freyne, who were all slowly walking over, frowning._

_“Nothing.” I snapped through my sobs. “I’m fine.”_

_But I wasn’t. I’d cut myself on a sea urchin. I was going to need stitches. I knew that._

_“Mum,” Berling muttered, squatting down in front of me, “that’s deep.”_

_“I know.” Mum’s hands were on me, rubbing the sand and tears from my cheeks. “I know. But it’s okay, Lorie. It’s okay, because your family is here.”_

_I shook my head. It wasn’t okay. I hated hospitals. I hated them._

I hated them so much because they meant death.

And Bill was going to die.

“Loran?” A stronger voice called me, and then physical, warm hands were on me. I was turned around, and Berling frowned down at me. “Loran, are you all right?”

I blinked a couple of times, trying to keep the tears at bay. But they began to leak. Shaking my head, I threw myself at Berling. He caught me, holding me against his chest tight, and his warm breath was on my cheeks.

“It’s okay. You have us. You’re okay.”


	8. Chapter Eight

**Loran -**

Berling led me down from the treehouse. Daiton, Elliott and Kerrick stood at the bottom. Alexander wasn’t in sight. 

Kerrick grabbed me as soon as I stood on firm ground. I accepted his hug, wrapping my own arms around him just as tightly. Kerrick pressed a kiss to my temple, and then he stepped back, holding my hand in his.

“Are you okay?” He shook his head. “Silly question, I know. But answer it, please?”

I shrug, tugging on his hand to bring him closer. Being my closest brother in every way, his comfort was the one I needed right now. Kerrick’s arms were warm and tight around me. Everything I needed right now. Nobody else spoke to me as Kerrick led me back to the house, and then into the bathroom.

I was surprised when Addison didn’t barge in, but Kerrick sat me down on the edge of the bathtub and stared up at me, eyes soft. He held my hands in his, running his thumbs along my knuckles and then leaned over to turn the bath taps on.

“I’m sorry for running off,” I whispered, but Kerrick shook his head, standing up and moving to collect bath salts.

“Don’t be sorry. You have a right to go outside.” His words were softly spoken. He turned back around and leant over the bath, running his fingers through the warm water before pouring in the salts. I glanced over my shoulder, watching him do it.

My chest swelled with emotion, but I held it in. I didn’t want to cry. Kerrick was looking after me, not upsetting me. He stood up then and opened the bathroom cupboard, pulling out thick purple towels. He dumped them on the closed toilet seat and then returned to me. I stared at him as he squatted in front of me.

“Could I go into your bedroom? Just to collect some warmer clothes.” He asked, voice still gentle. Still Kerrick-like. I nodded, and Kerrick smiled, standing up and disappearing out the door. I heard voices in the hallway when he left, and wondered if somebody might come and join me, but nobody entered the bathroom.

It gave me a moment to sort my thoughts.

To think about why mum was angry at me, why I was struggling so much, why my feelings were so jumbled and why I’d kissed Alexander… but then, the answer should have been obvious. Bill was dying. My emotional state could not take another death. Not right now. I needed him to survive, but every day that passed that we weren’t there…

I swallowed the thick lump in my throat and blinked the sting away. There wasn’t an excuse for kissing Alexander, though. I reached for the water, hissing as the salty warmth stung my worn hands from the other day. But it was a nice sting, relaxing. I sighed, standing up and stripping down so I could climb into the tub. The water soothed my body as I leant back, soaking it up.

I jumped slightly when the bathroom door opened. Kerrick slipped inside, holding my clothes tightly to his chest, and then he closed the door and dropped my clothes onto the vanity. He turned and stared at me, a smile I cherished on him because lately I’d not seen it much at all.

It didn’t even register that I sat here, naked. Kerrick obviously didn’t mind. Instead his cheeks burned a little and he cleared his throat. He gestured to the bath, and his lips twitched, and then my own cheeks began to warm.

“You…” I bit my lip, feeling the warmth spread from my cheeks and down my body. I drew my legs up to my chest. “You can join, if you like.”

Kerrick’s face split into a grin and he slowly undressed himself. Watching was mesmerising. Kerrick’s smooth skin slowly showing itself bit by bit. His soft hair falling into his eyes as he bent over to undo his shorts and tug them down. He stepped out of them so gracefully, long, lean legs kicking his clothes off to the side, and then he stepped into the tub.

We probably could have fit another person, but I don’t know if my body could stand many more eyes right now. I held my breath as Kerrick leaned toward me, his silence giving me goose-bumps as he took my hands and pulled them away from my legs. The water sloshed up the sides of the tub as my legs fell open, and Kerrick’s eyes flickered across my groin and then up to my face, his teeth protruding his skin as he grasped my wrists and tugged me toward him.

“K-Kerrie,” I murmured, sliding to my knees and slowly slipping closer. Kerrick pulled me close enough that I needed to slip onto his lap, and I couldn’t possibly have been more embarrassed. Except, I wasn’t entirely. Because this was Kerrick. Kerrick, the least judgemental, the kindest, softest person I knew. I drew my hands from his grip and wrapped them around his neck instead, leaning closer.

Our lips were a fraction of a centimetre away. I could taste his breath. Sweet, almost like cinnamon. I inhaled deeply and leant forward.

Kerrick’s lips were soft. His teeth gentle as they bit at my lower lip, and then his tongue slipped only partway into my mouth. Kerrick’s hands wandered down my back, into the water, and then up again. His fingers pressed deep into my skin, a massage of sorts. I pressed closer to him, tilting my head a little to kiss him deeper, easier.

Kerrick groaned softly, fingers lowering to dig into my hips, drawing me closer. I happily moved, bringing my own hands into his hair. I didn’t tug, though. I just slid them up. Kerrick held me tight, but not too tight. His body began to rock against mine, not forcefully, not roughly. But sweetly. Slowly. Drawing out short, sharp gasps from me as our cocks rubbed against each other.

Kerrick moaned softly, breaking the kiss. He pressed his lips to my shoulder instead, sucking on the droplets of water there and on my collarbone. It reminded me of who he was as a person. Maybe with everybody else, or certain other people, a roughness was expected. Or, certain people had their own visions of sex. Of course, those people could also go slow. Just like Kerrick could go faster.

But right now…

 _Shit_. Kerrick’s teeth grazed my collarbone, and his fingers slipped to my thighs, squeezing them and then running up them. I shuddered, bringing my hands to his shoulders as I leaned back, opening my eyes to catch his. Kerrick stared up at me, gorgeously so. His pale blue eyes, steely but not scary, stared right into my soul. I could have come apart just with that, but then Kerrick wrapped his hand around our lengths, and he began to slide his palm up and down, up and down, squeezing here and there…

I gasped, arching my back as a wave of pleasure washed through me, my toes curling as I prepared to release, and maybe it would be my quickest one ever, but then Kerrick removed his hand and pressed our lips together again.

I moaned, leaning down and wrapping my arms around his shoulders tightly. I held him tight as his own arms wrapped around my waist, neglecting our aching cocks. Kerrick slipped back from the kiss, reaching up to tuck my hair back, and then he slowly slid me from his lap.

“What are you doing?” I whispered, keeping a hold of his hand as I slipped back to the other side of the tub. Kerrick smiled, entwining our fingers.

“We can wait until later.”

All I could think was that Alexander didn’t make me feel like that.

We didn’t do anything more. Instead we rested back in the water, letting it soothe our bodies. Kerrick climbed out shortly after, wrapping a towel around his waist and leaning down to kiss my temple before exiting the bathroom, and I stayed in for another half an hour.

I climbed out when my body began to turn into a prune, and I grabbed up my towel and buried my face in it. I was thankful for the warmth, for the comfort. And for the reminder that my brothers love me. That Kerrick does. I slowly dried myself off and then stood in front of the mirror. I stared at my reflection, and then opened the cupboard under the vanity to look for the cream that Graden had applied onto my hands the other day.

I didn’t find cream. But I did find a short, fat dildo. I blinked in shock, pulling it out from the cupboard. Beneath it laid a remote, and I picked it up, flicking the on button. I gasped when the dildo vibrated in my palm, dropping it and stepping back.

 _Shit, Loran. Don’t be such a scaredy cat._ I scolded myself, bending down to pick it back up. I switched the remote off and placed it back in the cupboard, holding the dildo for a while longer. I’d never enjoyed one of these before. I’d never seen anybody enjoy one, either.

_God, I truly was a virgin, wasn’t I?_

I sighed, placing the dildo back, closing the cupboard and standing up. I pulled on the clothes Kerrick brought in for me, relishing in their softness. I noticed that the sweater wasn’t mine. It was too big, too bulky. I wrapped my arms around myself and inhaled deeply.

It smelt like Chester.

I smiled, tugging on my sweatpants and then the thick socks Kerrick brought in. Once I was bundled up I hung up my towel and left the bathroom. I stood in the hallway for a short moment, not sure where to go. I needed to… I needed to tell someone about Alexander. I needed to talk about it. Sighing, I headed towards the kitchen,

I peered into the kitchen. Addison stood at the bench, reading from a magazine. Chester stood beside him, pointing at something, and then down the page. Chester murmured something, and Addison hummed, nodding. Freyne sat at the dining table, hair slightly damp, reading a novel. Graden still sat by the window, in the exact same place, but with a new cup of tea.

I walked to the family room, glancing in there to see Hunter, Ike, Jackson and Kerrick playing a game of monopoly. Kerrick glanced up, catching me in the doorway, and he smiled, gesturing for me to go over. I bit my lip but walked into the room. The other’s looked up, too, their own smiles gracing their faces, and Ike reached for my hand as I approached, pulling me down next to him.

“You’re just in time. We finished up one game and were about to start another.”

“Oh,” I murmured, watching as Hunter placed the money by his side. He then passed out the pieces, handing me the car. I smiled, running my fingers along the silver piece. This had been my favourite piece when I was younger.

An hour into playing Berling, Daiton and Elliott walked in through the front door carrying delicious smelling and hot packets of fish and chips. My stomach growled almost instantly, and everybody stood up, following them into the kitchen.

Chester sat at the table with Freyne, Graden still sat in his place, and Addison came walking in from the backyard. He grinned at the smell of food, placing his gardening gloves on the bench by the backdoor. He seemed ready to walk over to us, but stopped to look at Graden when he made no move to join us.

I sat down in my seat, as did everybody else, as Berling and Elliott placed the packets in the centre of the table, opening them up wide. I kept one eye on Addison as he grabbed the book from Graden, placing it on the bench with his gloves. Graden lifted his head, eyes narrowing. Addison didn’t seem fazed, taking Graden’s hand and helping him to his feet.

Graden sighed, slipping from Addison’s hold and walking behind the kitchen bench. He placed his empty mug in the sink and then pulled down a small bowl from one of the cupboards. I watched with interest as he opened the fridge and pulled out lettuce, tomato, carrot, cucumber and capsicum. He went to work of making himself a salad as the rest of us munched on fish and chips and calamari rings.

Graden walked around with his salad to take the empty seat between Chester and Addison. Berling didn’t waste any time in picking up a calamari ring and tossing it across to Graden’s bowl. When it landed inside, Berling and Daiton high-fived, and Graden rolled his eyes. But he wore a ghost of a smile as he picked it up and bit into it.

After lunch, Addison, Berling and Chester disappeared to the office to do work for their jobs. Daiton and Elliott disappeared outside, Freyne wandered off to somewhere else in the house, Graden returned to his spot by the window, and the quads looked like they were ready to go back to playing games.

I grabbed Kerrick’s hand before he walked off. Kerrick glanced back at me, turning around. I held his wrist tight, biting my lip. Kerrick blinked, taking both my hands in his as he stepped closer to me.

“Are you all right?”

_No. Not really._

I shrugged. “Could I… could I talk to you?”

Kerrick nodded, turning around and leading me through the hallway and into the quads bedroom. He closed the door behind him and then pulled me to one of the beds, sitting down and dragging me down beside him.

“What’s wrong?”

I sighed, rolling my shoulders backward as I stared down at my hands. They weren’t shaking, but there was a slight tremor beginning. I prepared to tuck them away, but Kerrick rested his palm on them, squeezing. I glanced up, catching his eye. He was always so understanding.

“I… Alexander…” I murmured. “It’s Alexander.”

Kerrick frowned, “Alexander?”

I nodded, biting my inner cheek. “Yes. He… He found me when I left earlier, and I… Kerrie, I’m sorry.” Kerrick’s brow furrowed, but he didn’t say anything. Which I appreciated. Inhaling deeply, I quickly finished what I wanted to say. “I might have flirted?” I could feel the lump coming back to my throat. It choked me. “I don’t know, Kerrie. I’ve never experienced anybody liking me. But… but he kissed me.” And not just one time. I shook my head, staring down at my hands. My cheeks burned with shame, my entire body filled to the brim with it.

Kerrick didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to look up at him, I didn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes. The hurt. Shit, I shouldn’t have said anything.

“I’m glad you told me,” Kerrick finally whispered, and I peered up at him through my lashes. Kerrick’s eyes were narrowed, but not at me. He was thinking. “I… We should tell the others, only so there’s no secrets amongst us. But…” Kerrick lifted his hand from mine and took hold of my chin. His fingertips were soft, gloriously soft. He lifted my head and leaned down, kissing me soundly.

“Kerrie,” I murmured, loving the taste of him. Loving everything about him. Kerrick’s other hand ran along my sweater, slipping beneath it and over my skin. I gasped, twitching and turning to face him fully.

Kerrick leaned forward, the hand on my chin dropping to my thigh. He ran his hand along my thigh, down to my knee, which he hooked over his hip, forcing me to turn further. I brought my hands up, wrapping them around his shoulders as he leaned forward, kissing me deeper.

He leaned forward until I laid back. He crawled on top of me, lips still on mine, and then he ground his hips down. I moaned, bringing my legs up to wrap tight around his waist. Kerrick took this as invitation, it seemed, as he stopped kissing me and buried his face against my neck. I stared up at the ceiling as he bit and licked and made me hot all over.

And then he slipped back, sitting me up beside him. I blinked in shock, staring at him as he kissed my cheek, taking my hand in his.

“W-what?” I managed, and Kerrick laughed softly. He stood up, pulling me upright.

“Now you’ve been remarked.” He kissed me again, and then led me back to the family room.

He and I sat on the couch as Hunter, Ike and Jackson pulled out playing cards for a game of black jack. Kerrick happily joined in, but I didn’t, too shocked by Kerrick taking the charge the way he did.

But it also left me with butterflies, and I slowly lifted my fingers to lips, smiling as I thought of how much I was loved.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Loran -**

I woke the next morning to a shout. Sitting up, I stared across the room to the open door that led into the hallway. Elliott stood in the doorway, holding a small parcel, beaming from ear to ear.

“Fuck yeah,” he ripped the box open and a bunch of little books fell out, scattering across the floor. “Our fucking passports.”

Addison sat up beside me, drawing the blankets off himself as he stood up and walked around to Elliott, kneeling and picking up a passport. He flicked it open and sighed, nodding his head as he stooped to pick the rest up. He then headed out into the kitchen, followed closely by Elliott, Freyne and Chester, who slipped out the other side of the bed.

Graden, the only other person who was still asleep, didn’t move. Instead he rolled over and buried his face into a pillow. I gazed at his back, chewing on my lower lip as I watched him, not sure whether I should tap on his shoulder and ask him to get up, or to just leave him.

I chose the latter with a heavy sigh and a heavier heart. Slipping from the warm sheets I grabbed a shirt from the floor and followed everybody into the kitchen, where Berling already stood, blending up some smoothies while Daiton fried eggs. Hunter, Ike and Jackson sat at the dining table, but they all stood up and eagerly rushed over to Addison as he dropped the passports on the kitchen bench.

Daiton snatched up the closest one and opened it, snorting and closing it again, tossing it to Ike. “You look funny.”

Ike caught it and opened it, rolling his eyes as he passed it to Jackson. “And you need your eyes checked. It’s Jackson.” He picked up another one, his lips twitching. “Aw, Daiton. You look like a chic.” He tossed the passport to Daiton who grabbed with a scowl, putting down the spatula.

He opened it and rolled his eyes, slipping it into his back pocket. Berling smirked beside him, reaching for it, but Daiton whacked his hand away and then turned the spatula onto him. Berling laughed, holding his hands up in surrender as he returned to making the smoothies. I walked up to stand between Addison and Freyne, who walked in from the living room, with Kerrick right behind him. Kerrick stood directly behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder.

Hunter picked up a passport, flicking it open and rolling his eyes. “I don’t know what you and Daiton are picking at.” He turned the passport around so everybody could see the flat expression of Ike. “We all just look bored out of our fucking brains.”

Ike rolled his eyes, snatching the passport from Hunter as he picked up another, opening it and tossing it to Elliott. Everybody picked up a passport, handing it to its owner, until Chester picked one up and then frowned, looking around.

“Where is Graden?”

I looked up, nodding over my shoulder. “Still in bed.”

Chester’s frown deepened at that and he turned to Berling, who looked to Addison. Behind me, Kerrick tensed. In fact, everybody seemed to freeze and I wanted to know what I was missing. What everybody seemed to know that I didn’t.

“I’ll get him.” Berling murmured, finishing pouring the smoothies and wiping his hands down. Chester touched his chest, stopping him.

“I’ll go.” Chester disappeared into the hallway, and then the bedroom door shut a second later. Nobody moved for a good minute, but then Daiton cleared his throat and began serving eggs onto plates and Berling walked the smoothies over to the table.

Hunter moved to help, as did Ike, and Kerrick pulled me around to the dining table, sitting me down beside him. Everybody else moved, grabbing plates and joining us at the table. I drank my smoothie as soon as Berling set it in front of me, thankful for something cool and yum, and without the effort of chewing it.

_That’s lazy._

_No, it’s not._

_Yes, it is. You’re lazy. Add that to list of ways you fuck up in this family._

I swallowed thickly, finishing my smoothie and declining the eggs offered to me.  Daiton didn’t question my refusal, merely shrugged and slid them onto Berling’s plate instead. Chester and Graden came to join us shortly after, and Graden sat down between Chester and Freyne, draining a smoothie but declining the eggs, like me.

“So, this means we can fly to dad, right?” Ike asked around a mouthful. Berling nodded, munching on his own eggs. Ike grinned. “Awesome, so, tomorrow?”

“Fingers fucking crossed.” Elliott muttered under his breath, pouring himself a mug of coffee before joining us at the table. “We’ll get onto that straight away.”

Jackson nodded. “Ike and I will right after breakfast.”

“It’ll be difficult to get seats together. Also, twelve of us on the one flight?” Freyne frowned, poking at his food. “Is that possible?” He looked to Addison, who grimaced, sitting back in his seat.

“Huh. I hadn’t thought of that.” He shrugged. “See what you can do. If half of us go on one flight and the other on a different one, that’s fine.”

Everybody disappeared after breakfast. Berling, Daiton and Hunter disappeared on a run. Elliott and Freyne left out the backdoor. Addison went for a shower. Ike and Jackson pulled out their laptops to buy plane tickets. Kerrick walked into the living room and Chester followed him. Graden continued to sit at the table, and I lifted my eyes to him. He caught my eye and offered me a small smile, pushing his chair back and disappearing outside.

I sat there for a moment longer before standing up and heading into the bedroom. Sleep still clung to me, as I’d been abruptly woken by Elliott. I crawled into the blankets, fully intending on going back to sleep, when the phone on the bedside table rang.

I jumped upright, staring at it as it let out another shrill call. Sitting up straight, I reached for it, turning to look out into the hallway, but no one seemed to hear it. Frowning, I clicked the decline button. I really needed to talk to mum, but… but I couldn’t.

I placed the phone back on the bedside table, and turned around to snuggle under the blankets, only for the phone to go off again. I blinked in shock, sitting up. I turned around, grabbing it and staring at the screen. It didn’t say Mum. Biting my lip, I looked out into the hallway, but when nobody emerged I swiped across and pressed the phone to my ear.

“Mum?”

“Mum?” A male voice snapped and I froze. “What the fu--” He cleared his throat. “Who the fuck is this?”

“Excuse me?” I found myself saying. “Who is this? You called _me_.”

There was a harsh blow of air on the other end. “Look. I’m trying to get a hold of Addison. Or Berling. Or Chester, Daiton, Elliott--”

“This is Loran.”

“Loran? Who the fuck-- Oh.” There was the shuffling of paper on the end of the phone. “Why the fuck do you have a girl name?”

I scowled, crossing my legs beneath me. “Sorry. But who are you?”

“Um, Ryan?”

“Ryan?”

“Yes. Ryan. Your fucking--”

“What are you doing?” Addison demanded, walking into the bedroom form the bathroom. I looked over to him, immediately holding the phone out as he walked over, holding the towel around his waist. He took the phone from me, pressing it to his ear. “Hello?”

Addison listened for a long moment, his face twitching from a frown to a scowl to a grimace. “Oh. Shit. Where are you?” He listened again, nodding as he dropped the towel and grabbed a pair of pants from the chest of drawers.

My eyes widened as I caught sight of his groin, my cheeks heating up as he dragged on a pair of underwear with one hand. I couldn’t drag my eyes away. In fact, it took all my attention, as I didn’t realise when Addison dropped the phone onto the bed and walked across to me, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans.

I dipped my head back, slowly looking up his abdomen to his chest to his face. My body grew hot under his gaze, and I needed to bite the inside of my cheek as he touched my shoulders, leaning down.

“You know you’re not supposed to answer the phone.” He murmured, hot breath on my ear. I shivered, not moving as he kissed the shell of my ear, moving to kiss my cheek and then my lips. I leaned in to him, desperate for him to continue kissing me, to lean me back against the bed. To do things to me that left me feeling hot. Addison kissed me and pulled back, though. He reached for his shirt and then stood up straight, rolling his shoulders.

“Who was on the phone?” I asked, standing up and following him into the kitchen. Addison sighed, dragging a mug from the cupboard and filling it with coffee. He walked around to the dining table and took a seat beside Jackson.

“Someone called?” Ike murmured, not looking up from the computer as he ordered our plane tickets. Addison nodded, taking a deep swallow of his coffee before setting it down.

“Yes.” He sighed, tilting his head back and staring at the ceiling. “Our cousin.”

Jackson spluttered, looking up, and Ike slowly lifted his head, lips parted. “Our cousin?”

Addison nodded. “Ryan.”

“What…” Jackson looked to Addison, then Ike, then back to Addison. “Where’s Aunt Tracey?”

Addison sighed, leaning forward and resting his head in his palms. “She’s passed away.”

Jackson’s jaw dropped and Ike sat back in his chair. They both looked shocked, and I wished I could somehow connect with that. But I didn’t even know about Aunt Tracey until recently. I bit my lip, taking a seat. Nobody spoke, and eventually Berling, Daiton and Hunter came back, soaked in sweat. They were headed for the bathroom, but Hunter caught sight of Ike and Jackson through the kitchen doorway and he stopped, immediately walking into them. Berling and Daiton followed him, frowning.

“What’s happened?” Hunter asked, stepping behind Ike and Jackson, resting a hand on each of their shoulders. Ike shook his head, sliding lower in his seat. Jackson didn’t speak at all. Hunter looked up, looked to me, then to Addison.

Addison cleared his throat, sitting up straight. “Ike, finish ordering those tickets.” He stood up. “We need everybody here.”

Berling walked around the table, catching Addison’s wrist as he moved to call Elliott, Freyne and Graden inside. He looked to Berling when he was stopped, eyebrows raised.

“What’s happened?” Berling’s voice, pitched low, shook me. I didn’t hear him sound that serious often. Addison stared into Berling’s eyes for a minute, and I wondered if they’d developed a silent language. Quite possibly. Addison turned and pulled away, calling in Elliott, Freyne and Graden. Berling turned to fetch Chester and Kerrick.

As everybody sat at the table, Addison cleared his throat and leaned forward against the table. “It seems a new problem has risen.” Graden’s breath hitched beside me, and I bit my lip as I reached under the table for his hand.

_You need to be the comforter. Sometimes you just need to._

Graden’s fingers slipped between mine and he squeezed. Relief flooded through me to not be rejected. On my other side sat Kerrick. Shy, gentle Kerrick. He stared at his palms, not looking at anybody. I reached for his hand as well, giving it a gentle squeeze. Kerrick’s lips twitched and he peeked at me. I attempted to smile at him.

“A… a bad problem?” Freyne queried, pulling a face. Beside him, Elliott draped an arm around his shoulder, and Freyne glanced to him, leaning against him. Elliott pressed his face closer, staring at Freyne’s lips for a second before flickering his eyes to Addison.

“It’s…” Addison sighed. “It’s not bad, but--”

“But it’s going to fuck up our plans.” Ike grunted, drawing everybody’s attention to him. Addison eyed him for a moment, before nodding. Ike dropped his head to the table, and Hunter frowned, running a hand down his spine.

“So?” Berling looked across to Addison, raising an eyebrow. Addison took a deep breath.

“Aunt Tracey has died.” Addison squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Aunt Tracey passed away a week ago. Ryan has been trying to get a hold of us, but we have been distracted and today,” he gestured faintly in my direction and my cheeks warmed, “Loran answered the phone and Ryan, well.” Addison sighed. “Ryan needs us.”

Nobody said anything for a minute, and then Elliott cursed and sat back in his chair. Daiton, who’d shockingly been quiet for most of the time, made a noise resembling a growl as he dropped his head into his hands, and around the table everybody seemed to be making similar movements.

“How the hell are we going to get to Dad and Ryan at the same time?” Elliott finally muttered, shaking his head. Beside him, Freyne reached for his hand, but Elliott pulled away and slid the chair back. Freyne blinked in shock as Elliott walked away, around the kitchen counter to pour himself a glass of water.

Chester shook his head. “We can’t. One’s in Auckland, the other is in Christchurch.”

“So, we need to prioritise.” Graden murmured beside me. His hand squeezed mine once before he pulled it away. He slid his chair back and walked around to Ike and Jackson, bending over their shoulders to pull the laptop towards himself. “Half of us go to Ryan, the other half go to Dad.”

“Absolutely not.” Berling said before Graden even finished. Berling reached for the laptop, intent on dragging it towards himself, but Graden kept a firm grip on it, catching Berling’s eye across the table.

“Berling. We cannot leave Ryan, a minor, by himself. His mother has just died. We need to go to him.”

Berling shook his head, reaching for the laptop again. Nobody attempted to stop him, even as Graden tried to keep a firm hold on it. Berling managed to slip it free of Graden’s fingers, pulling it to himself. Graden stood up right and walked around the table, but Hunter pushed his chair out and grabbed his wrist, stopping him.

“Gray is right, though…” Kerrick spoke up softly beside me. “Ryan needs somebody. Dad can hold on for a little while longer.” But I could see the tremble in his lip as he spoke it. He didn’t want to wait another second to get to Bill. Nobody did. Not even Graden.

“No.” Berling shook his head, tapping away on the laptop. “No, look. Addison.” Berling caught Addison’s eye across the table. “Call Ryan back. Tell him to fly to Auckland. We’ll meet him at the airport.”

Addison drew out his phone, but Graden shook his head. “You can’t do that. Ryan needs to stay in Christchurch. What if Aunt Tracey hasn’t had her funeral yet? We can’t just drag him away from the place he knows, from the place he’s comfortable with.”

“Graden,” Freyne murmured, reaching for Graden as he tugged free of Hunter. “Gray, this isn’t an easy decision.”

Graden shook his head. “It is. Ryan’s, what? A year younger than Loran? Two? Imagine if this was reversed. We’d want somebody to go to Loran. To make sure he was all right.”

Freyne’s face twisted with hesitation, as did Berling’s as his fingers hovered over the laptop. It was the thump of a glass on the counter top that dragged everybody’s attention to Elliott, who’d downed one glass and refilled another. He stared hard at Graden.

“Do you not give a shit about Dad? He is literally dying--”

“No, he isn’t.” Graden began, but Elliott cut him off with a shout.

“Yes! He is! Fuck, Graden. What if he dies tonight? Tomorrow? What if he dies the night after we arrive? If we don’t fucking go there, we won’t get to say our goodbyes.”

“Yes, we will.” Graden tugged free of Freyne and walked to the kitchen counter. I watched him go, half paying attention to him, and half to Elliott’s words. Was Bill dying? Addison made it seem like he wasn’t. Like… like he had a chance. But now… I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and peered up at Kerrick, who sat staring at the table, eyes wet. “Elliott, listen to me. Dad is not going to die. Ryan needs us. It will only be putting Dad off for a week. If that. Probably only a couple of days. Trust me. I’m a nurse. I know this.”

Nobody spoke, everybody’s attention pinned on the two of them. Something seemed to shift in Elliott’s gaze, though, and Freyne started to stand up, shaking his head. Addison also pushed his chair back, Elliott’s name on the tip of his tongue, and I watched, feeling my stomach twist as I wondered what they’d seen, why they were worried.

“Yeah, well, Graden. You can barely look after yourself, so excuse me if I don’t trust anything you say right now.” Elliott turned and left, slamming the front door shut behind him. A second later one of the motorbike engines revved and gravel splattered across the living room windows.

Silence engulfed the kitchen.

My fingers began to tremble, and I hastily tugged my hand free of Kerrick’s. Kerrick turned his head, reaching to hold me again, but I shook my head, twisting my fingers in my lap as I watched Graden, who seemed frozen.

Chester inhaled deeply and stood up. Addison, who was already standing, walked around the kitchen table ahead of Chester, reaching for Graden, who turned before he could be touched. Nobody said anything, nobody attempted to stop him. Graden walked out of the kitchen, slamming the bathroom door shut behind him.

Daiton leaned forward, running a hand through his hair. “Well, that went fucking fantastically.”

“Now isn’t the time.” Addison snapped, heading into the hallway. We could hear him banging on the bathroom door, but the door didn’t open, and Graden didn’t speak. Addison didn’t return.

Chester walked around the table, picking the laptop up from in front of Berling and closing it. He placed it on the kitchen counter and turned around, facing everybody. Not everybody faced him, though. Daiton glared at the table. Freyne stared at the door, seemingly shocked by Elliott. Hunter stared at the window, at the backyard. I longed to turn around and stare, too. Being outside, near the water, sounded incredible right now. A long swim. I closed my eyes, imagining it while trying to push the trembling down in my fingers.

“Graden is correct.” Chester’s tone was scolding. I flicked my gaze up to him, as he shook his head at everybody. “Ryan needs us.”

Nobody said anything, and I wondered if that was because Chester was older. If they looked up to Chester more than Graden. I flinched, staring at my lap. That would be terrible. I wondered if it happened with everybody. With the quads, with Freyne. With me. The youngest ones didn’t understand, didn’t know as much as the older ones.

My fingers twisted into fists against my palms. How could anybody be so bigoted?

Kerrick reached over to rest his hand atop mine, squeezing my fingers gently. I didn’t look at him. Didn’t think I could bare it. There was a sting at the back of my eyes that I was struggling to ignore. No wonder Graden struggled. No wonder Ike did. Kerrie did. I did. How could we be ourselves, express ourselves, when we were pushed back down.

Maybe it wasn’t on purpose. But it happened.

“I’m going to book us flights to Christchurch for the morning. We’ll see Ryan, see how’s going, and then we will decide what to do next.” Chester spoke calmly, and everybody listened to him. He turned to the laptop, opening it and typing away when nobody objected. As soon as his back was to us, I stood up and dragged Kerrick with me.

I led him into the hallway, where Addison sat with his back to the bathroom door. He looked up as we approached, sighing heavily. I dropped Kerrick’s hand and shooed Addison away. He didn’t move immediately, instead arching an eyebrow at me. I ignored it and stepped over him, knocking on the bathroom door.

Graden didn’t say anything. I nibbled on my lower lip. I knocked again, but still no response. I tried again, eventually not stopping at all. My heart began to race, my eyes began to water. Why did everything have to be a mess?

“Loran.” Someone spoke. “Lorie, stop. He’s okay. Gray is all right.”

I continued to knock, trying to ignore whoever had their hands on me. Whoever was telling me to leave it alone. To move away. I brushed them off, continuing the knocking. Dark tendrils began to stroke my mind and I squeezed my eyes shut, remembering a time, so long ago, when the roles had been reversed.

_I stared at the locked door in front of me, arms wrapped tightly around myself as hot tears dripped down my cheeks. I struggled to breathe, my lungs hurting from my harsh intakes. I wanted Mum._

_Somebody knocked on the door, a soft voice asking if I was all right. If I needed anything._

_Yes. I wanted to scream the word. Yes. I needed a hug. I needed someone to hold me and tell me it was okay. I was okay._

_Somebody else knocked, another voice._

_“Lorie? Open the door, please.”_

_But I couldn’t. My body wasn’t listening to my brain. I could only stand there and stare. Silently begging somebody to open the door, to force their way inside._

_I’d never felt so lonely. I’d always had mum. And suddenly she was gone and I was truly alone. Nobody around except my brothers and Bill. Nobody who could show me they cared the way Mum did._

_I wanted Mum._

I wasn’t Mum.  

Everybody eventually left when I’d locked myself in the bathroom. They’d grown tired of waiting for me. Waiting for me to come out of the bathroom, to tell them I was fine. They couldn’t be bothered.

And I didn’t blame them. They didn’t know how. They were just as lost as me. We’d all lost Mum. We’d all struggled with grief. I’d just taken it to another level, I suppose.

But now. Now I didn’t want Graden thinking nobody cared about his feelings. I continued banging on the door, until Kerrick slid between me and it, holding me tight. The way I always wanted. I held him close, burying my face against his shoulder. Kerrick’s arms closed nice and tight around me.

“It’s all right, Lorie.” He began to lead me down the hallway, to the Quad’s room. I allowed him to push me, even if I didn’t really appreciate it. I wanted, needed, to see Graden. To make sure he was all right. Kerrick held me until we both laid down on his bed, and then I turned and curled against him, clutching his shirt. Kerrick’s hand ran down my spine, and then under my shirt, pressing his warm palm to my skin. “Gray likes to be alone sometimes.”

I shook my head. Nobody liked to be alone.

Especially our family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, I'm so sorry for the wait. Uni life has been so intense and it's left me feeling dead inside. Hopefully updates will be a little more regular(ish)...
> 
> Also, for those of you who read the original 'Thirteen Part Two' (aka Embrace the Fire), you might be noticing some differences in plot and whatnot - that is because the orignal one was about 28,000 words and I really do not want this one to be that short, so I'm doing my best to lengthen it. I'll be adding some more plot points here and there anndddd some things that will tie in with 'Them.' and 'Bitter & Sweet' (Ryan's stories on Wattpad), so yay for progress haha. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this muchly overdue update!!


	10. Chapter Ten

**Loran -**

We arrived at the airport extremely early the next morning. Addison walked through the house at 2AM, turning lights on, and ushering everybody into the bathroom and kitchen, before out into the van. I stumbled along behind Kerrick, who held my hand tightly through the entire ordeal, until we were forced to separate for the security checks, and then through customs.

Nobody seemed fazed about the twelve of us, and I wondered if maybe it was because it was 4AM in the morning by the time we arrived, or if they’d seen stranger things. I wasn’t sure.

I followed my brother’s through to our gate, where we all settled down to wait, as we weren’t due to leave until 7AM. Daiton grumbled under his breath as he dropped onto the floor, using his carry-on bag as a pillow. Elliott dropped down beside him, tipping a hat over his face in hopes of blocking out the obnoxious airport ceiling lights. Freyne timidly settled down beside the two of them, rubbing at his eyes, probably in an attempt to wake himself up.

I sat down, one seat away from Graden, and right beside Kerrick. I reached for his hand as soon as I was settled, and Kerrick looked up from his novel to give me a smile, bringing my hand to his lips. My cheeks burned when he kissed the back of my hand, but I tried to shove the heat down as I leant against him, pressing my head to his shoulder. Kerrick returned his attention to his novel, but his fingers squeezed mine every now and again.

Next to him sat Ike and Chester, who were playing a small game of chess with one of Kerrick’s transportable game sets. Hunter and Jackson challenged each other to a game of checkers on the floor besides them. Sitting opposite me, Addison and Berling spoke quietly to each other. Our boarding passes for Christchurch were in their possession, as were our passports, now.

I watched them through half-lidded eyes, feeling myself begin to drift. They spoke to each other in hushed voices, and then their eyes would flicker – non-discreetly – to Graden. Or Kerrick. Or me.  

I wanted to sit up and snap at them. To tell them to stop. They were being infuriating. But my eyelids were lead, and they closed on me against my will.

***

I blinked awake when the hand in mine left. I almost jerked, if I was being truly honest. Having Kerrick’s comforting, warm palm in mine one second, and then the next gone, had my head wheeling, and my distress levels flying. I sat upright, reaching for the loss, when another hand grabbed mine instead.

“Lorie, he’s just gone to the bathroom.” Graden murmured. I sighed, leaning against his shoulder as my eyelids began to droop again. Graden’s hand squeezed mine, and his lips touched my temple. “You’re all right.”

 _You are, too_. I wanted to say, but I drifted again.

***

The next time a hand left mine, I was almost awake. I sat upright slowly, letting my hand drop back to my side. But the holder didn’t disappear completely, as Graden bent down in front of me, touching my shoulder.

“Lorie, we’re about to board. Wake up.”

I blinked, feeling sluggish. More so than usual. I nodded, standing up. Graden stepped back, picking up his backpack, and taking his boarding pass from Berling. I wanted to follow him, to be just as hasty and snappish, because I was upset with my brothers, still.

They’d forced me to leave Graden alone in the bathroom yesterday. They’d forced me to do the one thing I never wanted to do. To abandon family.

But I didn’t have the same swagger that Graden did. He snatched his pass right from Berling’s fingertips, who had allowed it. Whereas, when I tried, Addison took my wrist in hand, and he held me back from storming off.

“Addison.” I muttered, feeling my face flame as other teenagers, who were my age, walked by with their boarding passes, and a family who offered them freedom to board a plane on their own. Addison shook his head at my attempt to break free.

“I’m sorry, Lorie.” He kept me by his side as we followed Chester and Daiton onto the flight. “Some of us got split up on the last-minute booking, but I don’t want you sitting alone.”

“Why not?” I demanded, climbing up the steps of the plane ahead of him. Addison didn’t respond, and I huffed, showing my pass to the stewardess before slipping by and finding our seats. I climbed in next to the window as Addison pushed our bags overhead. He slipped in beside me. I stared up at him, as he tucked his hair behind his ear and picked up a book he’d placed on the seat next to him. I continued to stare at him, hoping to get a reaction out of him, but Addison started reading. He ignored me completely.

I waited until the plane was in the air, rocking slightly every now and again, until I unclipped my belt and looked at Addison expectantly. Addison arched an eyebrow at me, placing a bookmark between the pages.

“I need to pee.” I said, attempting to slip past him. Addison caught me and forced me back into my chair. I scowled up at him as he shook his head, eyes pinned on me. Keeping me frozen. Stuck.

“No, you don’t. You’re going to leave and meddle with your brothers.” He picked up his book again. “Just wait. We’ll be landing in a few hours, and then, at the hotel, you can meddle with whoever you want.”

I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest as I turned to look out the window. The sun began to slide up over the clouds as we flew through them. The gorgeous view had my breath seizing, and I reached a hand up to touch the window. How desperately I wished to be out there. Imagine that… soaring through the clouds… How peaceful.

Unlike this situation.

“I don’t want to meddle.” I mumbled, still looking out the window. “I just want to talk to Graden.”

Beside me, Addison bookmarked his novel again. He sighed, leaning back in his chair. I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t turn to look at him. I gave him no satisfaction, no reason to believe he had my attention. Addison’s gaze was intense, though. Almost difficult to ignore.

“Graden.” Addison began, and then stopped. “Gray needs to be alone, sometimes.”

I shook my head, whipping around to pin Addison with my own glare. “No. Nobody _needs_ to be alone.” I snapped. Aware of people peering over their seats at my loud voice. Addison didn’t seem perturbed by it at all. He held my gaze, opening his mouth to probably reason with me, but I cut him off. “Maybe that’s how you’ve been dealing with it, but nobody needs to be alone.” I could feel myself growing tense, my voice wobbling, my fingers clenching. My chest ached.

“Loran--”

“Stop.” I managed, turning around to look out the window. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

Addison sighed. “Loran--”

“I _said_ \--”

“I _know_ what you said, I’m trying to--”

“Just leave me alone!” I spat. I wrapped my arms around my shoulders tightly, curling in on myself. Addison didn’t say anything more. But he didn’t pick his book up again. I tried to ignore him, to not pay any attention to what he was and wasn’t doing. I just wanted to be by myself.

_Isn’t that hypocritical to everything you just argued?_

Barely _._

_I think it is…_

I don’t want to be alone. I just don’t want to talk to Addison, more.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to ignore the darkness that slowly creeped into my mind. That slowly smothered me, suffocated me. I couldn’t ignore it. Not forever.

***

I woke up to a hand on my shoulder. I jerked, and the hand squeezed. I glanced over to Addison, who held my gaze. I looked around, out the window, noticing we were on the tarmac, in New Zealand. I looked out past the airport tarmac, at the open sky above. My breath caught. How beautiful.

Addison’s hand, still on my shoulder, drew my attention back to him. I didn’t want to talk, though. I shrugged him off, and turned away again. I heard Addison mutter under his breath, and then he waited until everybody had cleared their carry-on off. He stood up, reaching for his and mine. Berling came walking down the aisle, with Chester. Addison glanced at them, and something flickered between them, something I didn’t catch.

Berling cleared his throat. “Everybody else is off.”

Addison nodded, slipping his backpack on, and handing me mine. I took it from him, and stepped into the aisle behind him. I didn’t say anything to any of them, only followed closely as we walked off the plane, and through to where everybody else stood, waiting. I immediately walked to Kerrick, who smiled at me. His hand found mine, and I leant against his chest, pressing my ear to where his heart rhythmically thumped.

Kerrick’s lips touched my temple, and his hand squeezed mine, before he tugged me along behind everybody else. I held his hand, through baggage collection. Through customs. Until we made it to the taxi rank. I was forced to release his hand as I slipped into the back of the taxi. Kerrick moved to follow me, but Berling stopped him, stepping in front of him.

I scowled at him as he sat down beside me.

Berling rolled his eyes, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and dragging me closer to him. I grudgingly leant against his side, watching as Kerrick sat in the seat in front of me, with Hunter, Ike and Jackson. Graden took the singular seat to the side, and Freyne took the other singular one. Chester squeezed his way to the back, to sit beside Berling. Daiton sat by Elliott, on the front back seat, and Addison sat at the very front with the driver.

I watched the back of his head as he gave the driver an address. Berling wrapped an arm around my shoulder as we pulled away from the curb, and I glanced up at him. He stared right at me. Eyes such a deep, dark brown. I hated that he looked like mum.

Why couldn’t I look like her? Why did I need to look like Bill?

I bit my lip, turning away from Berling. How could I think that? I should love Bill just as much as mum. We could lose him. I should be thankful I would be able to remember him forever… through my appearance.

I turned to look out the window, catching sight of my reflection briefly. My dark blonde hair, greasy because I hadn’t washed it this morning in our rush. My blue eyes. A bright teal that left even me unsettled. How could anybody look at me? At least Bill’s eyes were a nice, dark blue. People wanted to stare into his eyes, because they didn’t scare them.

“What are we doing, once we get to Ryan?” Ike asked from the seat in front of me. He turned, leaning against Hunter so he could eye Berling and Chester. Berling shrugged, while Chester pulled a little notebook from his bag. He flipped through to a page with a list on it, making Berling snort. Chester shot him a glare, and Berling raised a hand in surrender, still smirking.

“I’m just amused you wrote a list.” Berling shrugged, dropping his hand.

“Yes, well somebody needs to keep track of our priorities.” Chester responded, pulling a pen from his bag and scratching off the two top things on his list. He cleared his throat and leaned closer to Ike. “Once we are with Ryan, we will organise a funeral for this coming weekend. After the funeral, we will fly to Auckland, to see dad.” He stared down at his notebook. “Once we’re with dad, we’ll think of our next step.”

Hunter hummed quietly, leaning over the back of the seat. “So, that list of fifty something things comes down to those two main points you just told us?”

Chester shook his head, leaning back in his seat. “Not fifty. Fifteen. Would you like me to read them out?”

Hunter grinned. “Yeah. Thanks.”

Chester crossed his legs, bringing his pen to his first checkpoint. “All right, so we’ve departed. We’ve landed. Next, we will be with Ryan. We should probably take him out for lunch. The poor boy has just lost his mother. Then, we’ll discuss with him funeral arrangements. We need to send out notifications to friends and family about Aunt Tracey’s decease. Then we will need to talk to Ryan about going to Auckland. On the chance he’s fine with it, and everything goes smoothly, we’ll book flights. Then, we will have to talk to him about maybe selling his house. And we’ll go through Aunt Tracey’s will. See what she wanted to do, what she wanted to happen to Ryan. Once that’s taken care of, hopefully we will be coming up to the date of the funeral. We can check funeral off my list. After that, we’ll fly to Auckland. Once we’re in Auckland, we’ll go to the hotel, drop off our stuff. And then we will go to dad. My last checkpoint, is seeing dad. Alive.”

Everybody seemed to hold their breath at the last part. Even I could feel my chest aching at the thought of anything other than that outcome. I didn’t want to think about it, though. Bill would be alive. He’d be _fine_.

“That’s…” Jackson coughed, looking over the back of the seat. “That’s a detailed list.”

Chester didn’t respond. He tucked his notebook away, and looked out the window. Nobody spoke for the rest of the trip, until we arrived at a hospital. I stared at it as we rolled up outside, and Addison ushered everybody out of the van. Berling climbed out behind me, as I followed everybody else, and then he turned back to Addison, who still sat by the taxi driver.

“Are you coming in?” Berling asked. Addison shook his head.

“I’ll take our stuff to the house. I’ll be back in an hour, tops.”

Berling barely stifled a groan, but he nodded, waving Addison off. I watched them leave, chewing my lower lip as nerves hit me. I didn’t want anybody out of my sight. Not ever again. I began to walk forward, to follow the taxi as it sped away, but a hand on my arm stopped me. I looked up at Elliott, who frowned down at me.

“Come on.” He pulled my arm. I swallowed, allowing him to pull me towards the hospitals doors. They looked like a trap. Opening and closing around its victims. I didn’t want to go inside. I wanted to stay outside, to wait for Addison.

But I couldn’t ignore or refute Elliott’s grip, so I stumbled along behind him. As the doors closed behind me, I reached for his hand, gripping it tight. Elliott’s fingers tightened around mine in return, and I sighed, leaning against him as we followed Chester to the information desk.

“Good morning,” Chester greeted, smiling broadly at the woman behind the desk. She glanced up at him, smiling in return.

“Good afternoon, actually.” She corrected gently, nodding to the clock on the wall. 12PM. I frowned. It felt like 10am. Chester cleared his throat and apologised.

“I’m looking for the family of Tracey Prince?” He pitched his voice carefully. “I believe she passed away yesterday, but--”

The woman cut him off. “She was taken to be cleaned a few hours ago. I’m not sure about any family, but she was in room 206 on the second floor. You’ll find the staircase to your left.”

“Thank you.” Chester continued to smile sweetly at her. We all made our way to the staircase, and followed it up to the second level. The doors started at 200, and 206 was opposite a line of empty chairs. I frowned at them, and Chester walked over to the door, pushing it open. He pulled it shut a second later.

“Nobody’s here.”

“What do you mean?” Daiton demanded, walking past him to push the door open himself. He pulled away, closing it and shaking his head. “Where the hell is the squirt?”

I wanted to know, too. I didn’t like wasting time. Not when Bill could be dwindling away. I looked around, up and down the hall, but there were nurses and doctors, and the odd man, woman and child. But nobody stood out to me. Nobody screamed ‘I’m Ryan Prince.’ An ill-mannered brat.

As soon as I thought it, I regretted it. What right did I have to judge somebody like that? He’d lost his mother. I could still remember when I stood in the hospital, after having lost mum. Thank God, I had my brothers with me.

Ryan has nobody.

I hated myself for thinking such harsh thoughts.

“Look,” Berling began, but was cut off by the shrill chime of his phone. He dug his hand into his pocket and drew it out, pressing it to his ear with a confused frown. “Addison?”

Addison didn’t sound happy on the other end of the phone. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but it was frustrated. Almost a yell. Berling grimaced, holding the phone away from his ear as he nodded.

“All right, we’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” He hung up and slid the phone back into his pocket. “It seems our dear cousin isn’t at the hospital. He’s at home.”

There was a collective groan around me. I bit my tongue. Berling led us back down to the taxi rank, where we piled into another taxi. I stared out the window the entire way, watching the view as it rushed past. I couldn’t deny that it was something beautiful. A country of insane beauty.

The house we pulled up in front of was less beautiful. It seemed to be almost falling apart. I blinked in shock as we started piling out of the taxi. I stumbled ahead of everybody else, eyeing the broken windows and scratched paint on the front door. It looked--

“That’s enough.” Addison snapped, and my eyes widened as he walked out the front door, holding a teenager by his ear. The boy held a long stick in his bleeding palms, and he glared furiously up at Addison, attempting to twist out of the hold.

“Let go of me!” He snarled, bringing the stick around to hit Addison. My eyes widened, and my breath caught in my chest. I wanted to shout something, but Elliott rushed past me, grabbing the stick from the boy’s hands and throwing it away. The boy turned his attention to Elliott and lashed out with a kick, which Elliott barely missed.

“Well.” Freyne murmured. He stepped up to my side. “This must be our cousin, Ryan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap. Thank you all so much for your patience. I didn't expect to suddenly disappear. University kind of just drowned me for a while there. I should be free for the next 4 months now, so fingers crossed haha. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!!


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Loran -**

Ryan wasn’t how I expected him to be.

I fully intended to be face-to-face with an angry, devastated sixteen-year-old. But, I thought there would be a semblance of sadness beneath him. Of a boy who just lost his mother. But Ryan wasn’t sad. He’s angry, he’s furious. He probably hated us right on sight.

“Sit down.” Addison snapped at our cousin as we followed them all inside. It’s just as trashy within the house as it was outside. Books laying everywhere, dishes laying everywhere, glass scattered about, splintered wood from doors that look like they’ve been punched in.

I shift my gaze to Ryan, who is squirming in Addison’s grip on his ear, and curling and uncurling his hands into fists. His knuckles are tinged red, perhaps a little bloody, and my breath catches. Did no one look after him when Aunt Tracey went to hospital? Did no one consider this poor boy, by himself?

 _Bill was headed here_ , I remind myself. A pang hits my chest at the thought. Bill should be here, but instead he’s… I swallow, pushing the thought aside as I step over to Kerrick, who takes my hand in his and draws me to his side, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

I’m glad he doesn’t feel the need to speak, that a touch is enough for both of us.

“Make me.” Ryan snarled back, attempting to twist out of Addison’s hold. Addison doesn’t relent, though, and forced the shorter boy into a chair, taking a seat beside him at the dining table. Ryan pulled a face and obviously wanted to protest the manhandling, but when Berling sat down on his other side, he shut his mouth and glared at the table. “What are you doing here? You need to be at the hospital to sort out mum.”

“Why aren’t _you_ at the hospital?” Elliott asked, leaning against a wall and crossing his arms over his chest. He eyed Ryan, displeasure covering his face, twisting his lips. Ryan glared at him.

“Why would I?”

Elliott cocked his head, looking at Ryan like he’s a strange specimen whom he can’t quite understand. I could hear the unsaid _uh, because she’s your mum? Idiot?_ But Elliott didn’t say it, and I’m glad. From Ryan’s face, he didn’t care. His jaw was set, his eyes dark. There was a lot of anger in him. And not much grief, despair.

It’s like he didn’t care.

But that can’t be possible, can’t be true. Aunt Tracey was his mum. He should be weeping, a mess.

“What have you been eating?” Chester asked, stepping past the counter into the kitchen and pulling open cupboards. His eyebrows jumped at the emptiness and he closed them with loud bangs, stalking across to the fridge. He pulled it open and the smell that wafted out was… grotesque.

Chester closed the fridge and swallowed, turning his back to it. His face tinged green and for a second I suspected he would be sick, but he held it in and cast his deep, dark eyes onto Ryan’s face, who scowled up at him across the table.

“Two-minute noodles.” Ryan pointed at a small stash on the ground in the kitchen. Chester glanced at them and grimaced. He squatted down next to the pile and rummaged through them, his grimace growing until he stood up and wiped his hands.

“This house is a mess. We’re going to have to clear it out, it’s not sellable.”

“Who the fuck said anything about selling it?” Ryan snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. “And what the fuck are you all doing here anyway? Fuck off, I’m fine.”

“Definitely not.” Berling shook his head. “You’re quite enraged right now--”

“No shit?” Ryan turns on Berling. “My mum is dead, and thank fuck for that. She was a fucking bitch.”

His words shocked me. They seemed to have shocked everybody. Kerrick’s arm grew tense around me, and I pressed up harder against him. His warmth comforted me. I wanted to bury myself against him, to close my eyes and dream all of this mess away. To wake up with Bill, and with my brothers, and just to be happy.

_God, why is happiness so hard to grasp?_

“You don’t mean that.” Freyne said. Ryan glanced to him, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, I do.” He shook his head. “She was a fucking asshole. Treated me like shit. I don’t care that she’s gone. She’s never treated me right, and fuck her.”

“She was your mum.”

“So?”

The blatant disrespect in Ryan’s voice was clear enough. He really didn’t care. And it didn’t sit well with me at all. Bill and I didn’t get on a lot, sure, but shit I couldn’t imagine him dead and not caring. Fuck, I cared so much it scared me.

“This is ridiculous.” Addison spoke, voice gruff. He turned Ryan bodily towards him, grip firm, eyes firmer. “You’re being ridiculous. She was your mum, you give a shit whether you want to tell us or not. Now we just need to decide what we’re going to do. Do you know where her will is?”

Ryan shrugged. “I burnt it.”

“You… What?” Addison’s voice went lower, gruffer. I saw his grip whiten against the table top, his hands curling into fists. “You burnt it?”

Ryan nodded shortly, staring at his fingernails. “She had nothing. I want nothing. There’s nobody else.”

“Nobody… what about our father?!” Addison’s temper was boiling, almost bubbling over. “We are all family, what the hell--” Addison released a harsh breath through gritted teeth and he abruptly stood up. Ryan didn’t flinch, didn’t move at all. His eyes flickered up as Addison spun on his heel and stalked out of the house, into the backyard.

Once he disappeared, Ryan turned to us, raising an eyebrow. “You all care way too much. She was a god-awful person. So was her husband. I don’t know what you were expecting, but I’m sorry if it was tears and eulogies of love.” Ryan shook his head. “Also, I don’t know any of you? So spewing that your family is kind of half-hearted and pathetic.”

“I think you need to be quiet.” Berling murmured when Ryan finished. Ryan cast him a look of surprise, but shrugged. Berling stood and walked over to Chester, who leaned against the kitchen counter, still regarding the two-minute noodle packets. He glanced up at Berling’s presence, and Berling took his wrist and led him out the backdoor, after Addison.

As soon as they were gone, Freyne shifted from his position in the doorway, where he blocked Graden, Hunter, Ike and Jackson from having much of a view, or a say. The three of them stepped into the room, and Daiton came in from where he’d disappeared up the hallway. He grimaced at us as he sat at the table.

“This house is actually a wreck.” He shot Ryan a look of disapproval. “What did you do? Trash every room?”

Ryan shrugged. Daiton shook his head, glancing to Elliott who walked across the room and took Freyne’s hand, discreetly and out of sight of Ryan’s gaze. He dropped into a chair and pulled Freyne into the one beside him.

Graden walked across the short dining room and into the kitchen, picking up a packet of two-minute noodles and turning it over in his palm. He walked to the counter and placed it down, eyes flashing to Ryan, who stared at him peculiarly.

“This has no nutritional value at all.” Graden said. Ryan snorted, and Elliott rolled his eyes skyward.

“That’s all you care about?” He snapped, and Graden slowly looked to him. He didn’t say anything, but I could feel tension beginning to roll off him, filling this room. Elliott scoffed, and Freyne gripped his hand, tighter and more obvious. Elliott ignored him, shaking his head. “Fuck, Gray, you’re really--”

“Stop talking.” Kerrick’s voice vibrated his chest, and I peered up at him. His voice jolted Elliott, who cast us both a look, as if surprised, and Ryan looked at us, too, as if only just realising we stood here. Ryan’s eyes lingered on me, dark and confused, and something else. I caught his eye and he immediately looked away. His cheeks pinkened.

Elliott opened his mouth, as if to argue against Kerrick’s words, but Addison, Berling and Chester walked back inside, cutting off his words. Elliott closed his mouth with a click and his jaw set. He looked at the table.

“All right, we’re going to go out for some actual food.” Addison clapped his hands together and then stepped up behind Ryan, dropping them onto his shoulders. Ryan bodily flinched, but tilted his head up to glare at Addison from beneath. Addison paid him no mind.

“While we’re out we’ll discuss Aunt Tracey’s funeral arrangements and talk about going to dad.” Berling added, and Ryan cast him a quizzical look.

“Where even is Uncle Bill?”

“Hospital, in Auckland.”

“Why?”

“Because there was an accident.”

Ryan hummed, tilting his head. “That’s why he never showed. He said that if he didn’t show I was to contact you, so alas…” He waved his hand dismissively. “But if uncle Bill is in the hospital we should be with him. He’s been more of a parent than any of my real ones.”

Chester gave him a disapproving look at his words, but Ryan ignored him, shrugging out of Addison’s grip and standing up. He stood up straight and stretched his arms above his head before resting them on his hips.

“I’m being serious. I’ll just ask my neighbour to deal with her funeral arrangements. She spoke to them more than me, and even that was just an occasional _hello_.” His voice turned into something high pitched, imitating Aunt Tracey perhaps.

The blatant disrespect infuriated me. I could see it infuriated everybody, but no one seemed ready to tell him off for it. So, I held my voice back, and gripped Kerrick harder. Thankfully, Kerrick’s arms tightened around me.

“So, food?” Ryan walked past us all, and brushed between Hunter and Jackson, who both frowned. Something tugged at my stomach and I unwrapped myself from Kerrick and followed the slightly younger male.

Ryan didn’t seem aware of my presence until he was outside and I grabbed his wrist, jerking him back. He staggered around, and opened his mouth to possibly swear at me, but when his eyes landed on me he closed his mouth and scowled, tugging his wrist free from my grip.

“You must Loran, with the girl name?” He snarked. I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes.

“You’re very rude.” I stated. Ryan’s eyebrows jumped, and he crossed his arms over his chest. His jaw worked, like he could think of several things to say, but wasn’t sure what to settle on. I spoke over the top of his thoughts. “Very disrespectful. Do you know what we gave up? To get to you? Do you have any idea--”

“I didn’t fucking ask you.” Ryan stomped his foot, eyes narrowing. “I didn’t fucking ask you to show up, hey. I just called you to let you know my mother passed away, not to come and get me--”

“Of course, we came to get you.” I spluttered, shaking my head, not sure where this sudden verbose eruption came from. “God, of course, we did. You’re our fucking cousin, but you’re acting like a god-damn jerk--”

Ryan threw his hands up. “Ugh, shut up.” He turned away and began walking away. I shook my head, following him. I hear the shuffle of feet as my brothers followed us out, and I would have happily ignored them and torn into Ryan again, if a hand hadn’t grabbed my wrist and pulled me back. I struggled for a second, but Kerrick’s arms were tight and his voice was tighter.

“Leave him be.” His breath was warm. “He has some steam to let loose.”


End file.
